Straight Up

Immediateley following this Sunday's big game I will be leaving Seattle and heading to Los Angeles. Forever. Well maybe not forever, but as long as I can stand it. I've lived my whole life in the Northwest so it's gonna be a huge change. But it's time to go and I've never been afraid of changes. It's the regular day to day stuff that freaks me out.

Luckily for me, Lindsey is coming too. We're gonna drive down together so I picture it kinda like National Lampoons Vacation. We'll get in some wacky adventures. Maybe I'll see Christie Brinkley and eat a dog piss sandwich. Lindsey has huge jugs like Bevery D'Angelo too. So that'll be sweet.

Basically the reason why we're both moving is so we can continue working on the radio show. Which if you have yet to listen is on the home page of this site and hilarious!

Our column will pretty much stay the same for now but I'm sure the perspective will change once we get down to Southern California. I'm not really sure how it works down there, but I hope the chicks will hook up with dudes that aren't famous. That would suck if you had to be famous to score. I'll let you guys know.

We will be leaving the hot spots and night clubbing to Kris’ blog though. Last time I hung out in LA they wouldn't let me in the club anyways. I figured they just didn't know who I was. Lindsey is even more white trash then I am (she's from Poulsbo) so I don't think we'll have to worry about her either.

Actually quite a few people I know are moving out of Seattle at the same time. I think it's the weather. It's rained here for like 210 straight days and I think everyone is fed up with it.

When you move everybody wants to hang out one last time so I'll probably just spend this week getting drunk with my friends. There were a bunch of going away parties this weekend already. Pretty much the type of parties that if you can remember them you weren't really there.

What I do remember is that it was great to see everyone I've been friends with over the years, but it also gave a couple people the opportunity to tell me what a jerk I've been over the years. It was kind of a shock because I always tell people I don't like them right to their fuckin faces! Right Motherfucker? Ok maybe I shouldn't be surprised, but basically this girl came up to me and told me that I was full of myself and that I act too cocky. Normally I would think she just wanted to hook up with me and that she was just pissed that I didn't pay any attention to her over the years. Lately however I have been taking a much more introspective look at myself and trying to figure out what it is about me that people either love or hate.

One of the ways to do that is to look at some of the things you've written over the years. Like maybe in your diary or journal? I figured that since it's a New Year and we're kinda starting over with the move that I could leave you with some of my favorite thoughts over the past year.

"It's like I said to this chick that only fucked Latin guys. "Just give me a shot and if it's really bad I'll take you out for tacos tomorrow."

"That is your cue to fuck her in the ass."

"I used to know this chick who shit the bed every time she came."

"As an aside I don't think you can ever find hot chicks in small towns. You find a lot of families and gross white trash but I think all the hot chicks move as soon as they turn 18."

"We all end up getting shit faced and I take like 3 of them home and bang the shit out of them at the same time."

"I think it's really just a bunch of fucked up chicks that like to get naked."

"I don't even smoke dope unless I'm driving."

"If they ever make another Indiana Jones I think it should be about my struggles to find a super hot chick with cancer that doesn't mind it when I bang all of her friends after she's dead."

"As an aside I wonder if anyone has ever fucked a tiger?"

"He starts fucking questioning me like I'm in some sort of homo version of Abu Graib or however you spell that place."

"Have you ever seen what a dude's face looks like when he's coming? It's funny shit man!"

"The truth is that if we met you on a pub crawl we do not care what the fuck you know as long as you let us have sex with you."

Of course there are plenty more just as hilarious as these, but now you can go back re-read all my old columns, and find your own personal favorites!

Go Hawks.

First off I'd like to quickly say congratulations to the city of Seattle for our 1st ever Super Bowl appearance. I'm excited. That is all. You can read my Sports Blog at

www.sportsnutsandsluts.com

And speaking of Seattle you must all remember our dear friend Mary Kay Letourneau. She's the teacher that had sex with and eventually married her student Vili Fualaau? Well she still lives in Seattle. Actually in a pretty nice area called Normandy park. I have some friends that live out there too, but unfortunately I haven't had the pleasure of seeing Mary Kay in public.

Which leads us to this weeks topic.

Lately there has been a lot of talk in the media about female child "Molesters." More specifically women that break the statutory rape laws. The debate is basically over their sentencing. Some people think that they should be charged just like any adult male citing that many women seem to get lesser sentences for similar crimes. Others believe that the cases should be looked at based on their individual characteristics and judged accordingly.

Now I don't think we need to debate whether sleeping with a minor is right or wrong. It's wrong and if you break the law you should be punished for it. Of course the definition of minor is different depending on which part of the world you're in. I'm talking about America though so for all intents and purposes please do not tread on me.

I personally don't believe that the psychological and emotional effects are that great on a young man who has sex with an older woman. As opposed to an older man forcing himself upon a young girl or boy, sex with an older woman can be seen as a good thing.

At 15 I think I was more then ready to go and it probably would have helped to have an experienced older woman showing me the ropes. I know it would have helped the poor girl that I lost my virginity to. All guys are terrible at lovemaking when we first start out and I bet a lot of us are still really bad today. I don't know how I am. I'm sure I'm great. I mean I have to be. I'm pretty good right?

More importantly an older mature woman can not only teach you how to make love but also how to act around women. I'm still learning that second one as well. A 16 year old girl doesn't know what she wants anymore then a 16 year old guy so you end up flailing around for a few minutes and then wondering later what happened. Then after that you tell your friends how much you rule. Even if you do know what to do at that age you're too shy to tell your partner about it.

My point is that there aren't many women that could forcibly "rape" a young man who has reached puberty. We're usually stronger then most adult women at this age. And I don't see how an experience that a young man finds extremely pleasurable ending with ejaculation is considered abuse? I've known of many guys under the age of 18 actually seeking out sex from prostitutes as it's less embarrassing then trying to make it with your girlfriend for the first time.

Look at our friend Vili. Mary Kay was so good that he stayed with her into his adulthood. Do you have the same girlfriend from when you were 13? How bout 20? Most marriages break up over issues like money, infidelity, or children. Could you imagine staying by your spouse's side while they were in prison for raping you? I don't even like the same music I did when I was 13 much less the same girls.

So here's to Villi and Mary Kay. Happy Anniversary whenever it is. Not unlike the Seahawks, you too beat the odds.

Dear Jed and Lindsey,

Today I was in the bathroom plucking my eyebrows and I started to wonder if
men even notice my eyebrows? I then started to think about getting a nose
ring and wondered if men like nose rings on women. I guess I am just
curious what you guys think about little facial quirks on men and women. Do
you prefer a woman to have plucked versus natural eyebrows? Do you think
women with facial piercings are sexy? What about if women who wear big earrings?
Do you think its cool for men to wear makeup? What kind of facial style do
you think is hot for both men and women?

--Celeste

After reading your letter I started to wonder if girls really think this way. I guess they do.

The simple answer is that as long as you have two eyebrows there is a guy out there who will date you.

Of course all of this is a matter of opinion but since you asked I'll tell you what I think. First you don't have to try that hard to attract a guy's attention. If all you're looking to do is hook up then go ahead and dress or look however you want. There are lots of guys into piercings and tattoos and earrings or whatever.

I suspect however that you're asking about attracting men for long term relationships. That may be a little tougher because generally we're not really looking for that when we go out. What it basically boils down is thatin the long run most men want a woman who is nice looking in public and wild at home.

Girls you can take home to your parents but that also let you do whatever you want to them is basically what I'm talking about. If your parents happen to still be together you can trust that your mom is super dirty in bed.

As far as eyebrows and piercings and all that, I myself prefer a woman that just takes care of herself. If your eyebrows are bushy then pluck them. Or go to the beauty salon. Whatever it is that girls do to make themselves look pretty then do that and then do it again when it wears off.
If you really need to get a facial piercing because you're this really cool outsider that nobody undertstands then get something small like a stud through your eyebrow or nose. Don't get one of those hog ring septum piecing deals or some giant hoop through your eyeball. They leave gross holes when you take 'em out anyway.

The other thing about guys is we like it when our friends are jealous of us. That's why we like really hot chicks. We'd pretty much fuck anything as long as our friends don't make fun of us for it. If I saw my friend out with some girl and she had a face full of metal then I'm gonna give him a hard time about it.

As for dudes in make up obviously I don't think it's ever a good idea. Again this is my opinion, but it's like .0000025 percent of the male population that can actually pull this off. Guys don't even know how to dress so how are we supposed to apply make up? Unless it's cool Halloween makeup like a gnarly scar or you're a soldier with some sweet camoflauge then I say no to make up. If you like dudes in makeup then you're a lesbian. If you want a straight guy that will stay with you and treat you well, learn how to give a really good blow job.

Dear Cats and Dogs,

Is it cheating to make out with other girls? What if your boyfriend doesn't know? What if I were to make out with gay guys that are just friends of mine?

-Anna

This is one of those issues where I think it just comes down to a matter of opinion. My opinion being that you can totally make out with other chicks as long as you tell me about it…slowly. Or don't tell me. Honestly I don't care if you make out with other girls or go down on them or whatever. Just make sure they don't have any cold sores. Nobody uses those dental dams and I don't expect my girlfriend to subject herself to one either. Just don't sit on the bar and let a train of bull dykes eat ya out in front of everyone. There has to be some boundaries.

As for dudes you aren't allowed to kiss any of them other then your father. And hopefully you kiss him on the cheek.

You know what I'e noticed lately is there are these straight dudes out there that kiss "hello" on the lips with all their girl friends even when these chicks have boyfriends. Dudes have kissed girlfriends of mine in front of me! In front of their girlfriends too. How is this cool? What if I was some germ-a-phobe? What happens with Howie Mandell and his wife when this happens? Now I'm not a jealous guy at all and really I could give a shit, but it's the principal of it and the next guy that kisses my girlfriend on the lips is gonna get threatened. Of course then I'll have to be in one of those stupid fights where my girlfriend starts saying that I'm being chauvinistic and that it's no big deal. Well fuck it. I'm putting an end to it. At this point I would probably go as far as punching out a dude who kissed a friend of mine's girlfriend on the lips.

With gay guys it doesn't really bother me that much. But they need to be really gay. I'm talking pink triangle t-shirt, cock ring necklace, 1978 New York bath house before HIV Gay. Hitler Gay. Metrosexual doesn't count. I still think that word is gayer then Tom Cruise watching Brokeback Mountain though. Why not just kiss your gay buddy on the cheek? Act like he's your dad. But ya know gay.

So the new rules are Girls: Yes
Guys: No
Dads and Flaming Gay Guys: On the cheek

Dear Cats and Dogs,

I am a 20 year old woman studying here in the states. I have been in this country for 2 years and I really love it. The problem is that I am originally from a Muslim country and when I go home I have to face the fact that I will be married to a man my family has chosen for me. I have comes to term with this a long time ago as it is part of my religion. The main reason I'm writing is that since being in the states I have lost my virginity. I have decided to have a hymen-plasty so that when I am married it will appear that I am still a virgin. This is very important in my country and if I ever want to have a relationship with my parents I must appear to be "pure." I don't really need any advice on this, but I just wanted to make your readers aware of what goes on with young Muslim women these days.

-Yentil

Now this is something I don't think about every day. Makes your boyfriend cheating on you seem like not such a big deal huh?

Now I profess to being a pretty smart guy and I have a feeling I know what you're describing here, but the fact remains that as hard as I pray and as many fake business cards as I print up I am not now and probably never will be a doctor.

So I decided to look this one up. The University of California describes Hymen Reconstructive Surgery as "the suturing of remnants of the torn hymen together, along with implanting a gelatin capsule containing a blood-like substance. A small section of the vaginal wall is dissected for the reconstruction when the hymeneal remnants are insufficient. The "blood" capsule will burst during intercourse and give the impression that the bride is a virgin."

In my version or virgin this blood capsule bursts at a party while everyone is drinking beer, but unfortunately my version never seems to happen in real life.

The irony of Hymen reconstructive surgery is that not all women bleed when they lose their virginity and as they age there is a natural thinning of the membranes that occurs. Sometimes hymens break through physical activity such as horseback riding. I am serious.

In the old days women who wanted to fool men into thinking they were virgins would just put a piece of raw liver up there. The idea being that it would feel much tighter for the man. Of course this led to a few mishaps. Many women woke up to a bedside note saying things such as "The sex last night was incredible, just went out for a pack of smokes, oh and by the way your pussy is in the sink."

Topic for the week: Do men in America expect to marry a virgin in this day and age?

I myself would prefer to never even have sex with a virgin. I don't think I could live with the guilt of being some poor girls first. As for marrying one, I think once anybody sees what they've been missing out on they are more likely to go out looking for someone else. Look at poor Nick Lachey. So like I always say or will from now on "Use it or Lose it."