Straight Up

Halloween is my favorite holiday ever. You don't have to hang out with your family and chicks always do really slutty things at this time. If youre reading this right now you probably had a really slutty weekend.
I have trouble figuring out cool costumes as I get older though. You can't be a ninja when you're 25. It has to be something funny.
I couldn't come up with anything cool until this Saturday when I woke up and had one of those eureka moments where I realized what I wanted to be. This year I will be a Gay Frog. I'll have like a frog costume, but I,ll wear a pride t shirt too. That would be cool if I could figure out a way to spit tadpoles at people. Babies and sperm and tadpoles are all the same anyway.

And speaking of sperm it brings us to this weeks question. It seems like everyone has one good masturbation story and here's another.

Dear Jed and Lindsey:

Not too long ago I walked in on my brother masturbating on my couch at midnight. At first I thought he was scratching his nuts and I kind of took a step closer until I realized that he was like really rubbing one off. I felt awkward and though I turned away the image was still embedded in my head. Anyways I asked him if I should find someone to help him with that. It was the wittiest thing I could find to say and he jumped out of his skin and started stuttering. Well anyways I haven't spoken to my brother since as he always scurries away when he sees me. My brother and I were very close but every time I see him I can't help but start laughing and making snide comments like "ewww what's that spot on the TV screen" and then he just like walks away. I also brought over my collection of playboy to the main bathroom as a suggestion but he threw it in the trash... What should I do to recover the relationship my brother and I once had? How do I stop laughing and making snide remarks when I can't help myself?
Jed I know you are a masturbator and must have gotten caught at some point?
Linz have you ever tried it and gotten caught what would you do if you caught your boyfriend masturbating or even worse caught Jed masturbating?
In High school I was a master debater and I had a friend with the last name Bates and we called him "Master Bates" and I have masturbated myself and gotten caught while having phone sex but it was by a 4 year old who probably thought I had a diaper rash or something
But this is my brother we are talking about.. I ...just want my brother back

Sincerely
Ballsbuster

Well Ballsbuster I never had a sister so I'm not sure where it ranks on the embarrassment scale. It can't be any worse then getting caught by my dad though. Especially since I was jerkin it to over 40 magazine. I've determined the worst case scenario is to be caught by your grandmother jerking off to Over 80 magazine.
As for your brother it seems that you have only made snide remarks which is only making him uncomfortable and making it funnier for you. You've known him your whole life right? You must have seen him naked before? It doesn't seem like this should be such a big deal.
Bringing out a bunch of Playboys is like making a kid smoke a carton of cigarettes after getting caught lighting up for the first time. Like "Hey I see you enjoy masturbating, here's a bunch of porno." It gives it this sense of somehow being wrong. He wants to know that you don"t care, not that you care so much as to help.
Basically your brother will get over it as soon as you do so just come out and tell him that its not a big deal and that it doesn't bother you. Once he figures out that you're cool with it he will be too.

P.S. Lindz and I are kinda like brother and sister at this point, so this week I'll do an experiment by getting "caught" masturbating in front of her. Results will be posted in the "if" and "then" style of the Scientific Method.

My name is Geoffrey......lately I have had some troubles with my woman. I am 25 and just graduated from college. She is 21 and just beginning college.
We have been together for 3 years, but we have hit a rocky patch. We were talking the other day and she mentioned that maybe we should take a break, and I agreed because I need to get my shit together as well. I have no job and neither of us have vehicles. We live about 30 min away from each other so it is pretty hard for us to hang out.

The problem is that I love this girl. She loves me, but we do not know what to do. Taking a break is hard. I kind of have a crush on a girl from school, but she is always busy. I dont want to break up with my present girlfriend because I feel that if I do that I will lose her forever, but I cant handle this break thing because she still wants to hang out, but not have sex. That is too hard for me. She calls me all the time and I answer, but I cant stop wondering why things have to be different only in the sex department, it is like why hang out if we cannot do that, but I love her...I am messed up man. What should I do?

Sincerely,

On a break without sex

The easy answer here is to break up with your current girlfriend. You did not have one positive thing to say about your relationship with her other then you love her and you think she loves you as well. I think if she loved you she would not want to take a break. She would also give it up. That is how chicks should truly say I love you. We do not need to hear it. My suggestion to women and this is a bit off subject but the more fucked up things you let us do to you in the bedroom like fucking you in the ass while shoving our fingers down your throat the more confident we feel in the relationship. But for you Geoffrey my advice, and this is only if you are too big of a pussy to break up with her, is bang as many chicks as possible until the break is over. You will either realize that you do not want to be with her and that you are better off dating other girls or she will find out and get really jealous and want you back. This is your chance to tell her that you need sex (again preferably anal) and if she would fuck you then you wouldn't have to go around with other girls.

I have a feeling that you may be lacking some confidence though so if it is hard for you to hook up with chicks just tell her that you did anyway.

I do not believe in breaks. They are stupid. If you want to have an open relationship based on distance or whatever good luck, but taking a break is just the long drawn out and ultimately more painful way to break up with someone. It gives you too much of a reason to fuck somebody else.

Dear Jed and Lindsey,

About two months ago I met a guy named Jeff off the internet (yeah for being
a dork). Well, we hung out and things went okay for a while. One night I had
to hang out at Jeffs house alone while his roommate, Sam, was there. Turns
out, me and Sam got along GREAT! I mean, Sam and I got along so well that I
found myself wanting to go over to see him instead. Eventually Sam and I
started talking online and about getting together without mentioning it to
Jeff. Sam wanted to let me know that he thought I was so much better than
all the other girls Jeff brought home. He also told me a lot of dirt on
Jeff, so he let me in on how the guy I WAS seeing really was. One thing
led to another and I ended up telling Sam that I really liked him, and that
I was VERY attracted to him. WAY more than Jeff! Sam FIT what I wanted with
both looks and personality. So now Sam and I have continued things and
have seen each other when Jeff wasn't home. Making sure I leave before he
gets home. Things are over with Jeff in my mind, but I really want things
to work out with Sam. I will never be able to go over there when they both
are there, or can I? Jeff has a "girlfriend" apparently, but is still butt
hurt that I turned him down. I mean REALLY butt hurt about it!! He continues
to write blogs about me on his homepage sending little innuendos, and also
tells me he doesnt understand why I dont like him any more. Come on deal
with it!! Do you think it would be wise for Sam or I to confront Jeff and
let him know that we are interested (very much) in each other? Or should we
just sneak around until we know FOR SURE that Sam and I will last, just so
that it wont affect the guys relationship? Cause thats what I am worried
about most. I don't want them to get in a fight, or worse, have Jeff throw
Sam out of the house because he went after me.
What do you think?
By the way I really, really like Sam. I could give a shit about the original
guy, Jeff, he is a total liar and freak who got pissed over little shit. Not
my type at all I found out.

First off both of these dudes sound like dorks. Jeff is obviously a loser if he is writing about you on his homepage. It doesnt even sound like you guys really dated. I think you need to have a real relationship with someone before you do crazy shit like that. Ive done some fucked up embarrassing shit in the past but this with girls that I dated for years. People I lived with. Not some chick I met on the internet and hung out with. Youre right to not want to be with that kinda guy.

Then you got Sam. What kinda buddy snakes his best friends girlfriend. The part about talking shit about Jeff is the oldest trick in the book. Guys always tell girls a bunch of shit about some dude being a player or whatever. We just say what we want you to hear. Sam knew you liked him so he was just talking shit saying the guy doesn’t treat you right and you deserve better. These are just lines to get you naked. I know this because it works.

If Sam really liked you he would have the guts to tell his roommate. Regardless if he likes you or not he should tell his roommate. As crazy as Jeff sounds I bet he wont even care in a week. Plus he fucked you first so hell always have that on Sam.

Dear Jed and Lindsey,

A friend of mine recently started dating a guy that she met online through a dating website. I have had what I would consider normal and healthy relationships in the past, but I would be into trying something new. I am scared of the unknown as so I am wondering if there are any reasons I should not date someone that I meet online.

Sarah

Well Sarah this could very well turn into a commercial for this website but since you guys are already reading this you must already know the score.

First I will say that I have never hooked up with someone online. I do know a lot of people who have and the only problems they have run into are the same ones you would have meeting somebody at a grocery store. It is a great way to communicate and I have made dates with people I know through e mail. It actually helps take away some of the pressure of a phone call or asking someone out in person. That delete button comes in very handy before sending someone an email.

Basically there are not any reasons why you should not got out with someone you met online. We are in the midst of a technological revolution. Everything is faster and more efficient these days and dating shouldnt be any different. Being afraid of online dating is akin to be scared to go on a date in a car in the early 20th century. I would say just go for it and use the same precautions you would for any other type of dating.

Jed

This week I have been driving a van cross country to Philly. I started in Portland OR. I am in a motel 6 somewhere in Ohio at the moment. I did not realize this but after you hit Detroit you have to go south through Ohio or else I 94 runs out and you end up in Canada. 2 hours out of my way and now I am back on track…physically. This is the second time I have driven cross country alone and alone its one of the most boring and tiring things you can do. It does however allow you a lot of time to think. It forces you to think is actually a more appropriate way to put it. Lately I have been thinking a lot about ways to improve myself. Things like exercise, meditation and living a bit healthier. Dont worry I still wanna party and hang out with chicks, but I want to feel good about myself while I do it. I think from all of this personal introspection I have become a lot more sensitive to the problems going on in a lot of my friends lives. A lot of dudes have it real bad right now as far as relationships go so I figured I would write down a list of my rules that I believe can save you a lot of grief when it comes to relationships and women. Kinda like Lykis 101 but this is for young good looking dudes like myself that actually like women. I dont live by my rules as much as I probably should, but this is more like things that I try to aspire to.

1. Always wear condoms. I know how great sex feels without them. Actually it fuckin sucks with them. But getting freaked out by your girlfriend every month when she misses her period or worrying about every itch or pain in your balls really fucking sucks. A lot of chicks like to pull this move when you break up with them where they conveniently miss their periods. I have seen this happen to a lot of guys, myself included and it is usually that they just stressed out. Instead of getting a pregnancy test they like to call you first so you can also be stressed with them. The only thing worse in when they actually are pregnant.

2. Tell the truth. I have had to learn this one the hard way many times. I think I finally got it down though. As hard as it is if you do not want to be with a girl then tell her. It will save a lot of time and heartache in the long run. This is different then not telling her though. If you think that there are some things she does not need to know then there is not any reason to tell her.

3. Do not get married til you know what the fuck you want to do with your life. This is one I totally agree with Tom Lykis on as he always says never get married before 25. I am 25 now and I still feel way to young so I always modify this one for myself. This is the same advice my mom has been giving me since I was little. She is definitely right on this one.

4. If you get married get a prenup. I have never been married do not plan on it either, but I know a lot of guys who are. I do not care if you are the janitor at the same high school you went to, get a prenup. The problem here is that dudes never think about how much money a woman has when we meet her. We are too busy trying to make our lives good so we can take care of others that it never dawns on us that when you get a divorce all that shit you were working for will be taken away from you. It does not matter if she is nail in your best friend shes still gonna try to take half. That is if youre lucky.

5. Dont ever sleep with a friends girlfriend. I would even extend this to ex girlfriends. If youre not close with the dude then bang the shit out of her but if you are my buddy and you nail one of my girlfriends exes or whatever your gonna get punched. This is chick shit. They do that stuff. We should not. If this is a hard one for you try to surround yourself with ugly dudes. Id also say try not to sleep with anyone girlfriend in general but cmon lets be serious here.

6. Try not to drink too much. I have a problem with drinking more then I need to. Drinking too much makes it really hard to live by the rules youve set for yourself.

7. Ask your parents for advice. They have been through all this shit. Some people are born unlucky with real shit parents but if you got cool ones be sure to use them as a resource. Moms are the best when youre a dude cause they do not judge you and they know how evil women can be.

8. Get a fuckin road map. Youll get to Philly a lot sooner and saner if you do.

Im not one of those originalists like Thomas or Scalia so I believe that the Constitution is a living document. Not that im comparing my list above to the US constitution. Im just saying that these rules could change given the situation. I think its just important that as you go through life you consider your surroundings and maybe have some fuckin idea of what you want. Some dudes never think about it and they get real fucked up real fast. Women will fuck you up faster then anything else. You got no one to blame in the end but yourself.