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The Winter Games

Filed under: Life — Hawkwind @ 09:26:15 am

Going out and meeting girls with your friends is one the best ways to spend any weekend. At this point in American culture it's become a pastime not like baseball. You've all seen the beer commercials talking about your "wingman" (the buddy that keeps the "friend" of the girl you're hitting on occupied) and falling on a grenade. (sleeping with an ugly girl so your buddy can spend time alone with a good looking one)

As much fun as it is working together sometimes it can be even more fun to try to work against each other. At this point you've heard the term cock blocking. I actually kinda get grossed out when I hear it. I don't know why cause words like "moist" "vaginal blood fart" are common place in my daily vocabulary. I just don't like the blocking part. Makes me think about building a little fort around your dick. Tangent!

Anyway Cock blocking usually happens when another girl or guy that you don't know gets in the way of your game. And if you've had it done to you (whether you're a guy or a girl) then you know that it fucking sucks. However when your best friend does it, it can be hilarious. Say you're talking to a girl and things seem to be going pretty well when your buddy walks up and says "hey man your girlfriend just called me because you weren't picking up your phone." It's that easy. Mentioning Std's or telling stories about how you both fucked some passed out chick in a trailer are also great and easy methods of ensuring that your buddy won't get laid.

I was talking to my buddy last night about it and he told me how his friends' band went on tour cock blocking each other the whole way across the country. I can only imagine how much fun you could have on a whole road trip. Now maybe it was sub conscious, maybe not, but about 15 minutes later he's talking to this really pretty girl and I walk up just to say hey. She's talking about the gentrification of the neighborhood we're in and how she's lived here forever and blah blah. Now normally I would agree with her dumb reasoning just to help out a friend, but for some reason (I was drunk) I decided to let her have it. I told her I had just moved into the neighborhood and she said something like "the people like you that aren't from here are the reason the rents are so high." Ok true, but it's not like she fucking homesteaded L.A. either. I responded with "really so is that your mom selling fruit on the corner cause I could really use a mango right now." She stared at me in disbelief with a look that said "you fucking asshole" then looked at my friend and said "I'm leaving, I'm not talking to you fucking guys anymore." My buddy was all "Dude!" and I was like "sorry dude" and then he said "aww forget it that fucking girl sucked anyway let's go get some food."

Try it on your friends and report back to me asap.

This weeks topic

Q: Since I've started college I've gained about 50 lbs. Not complaining about
all of it since it's nice to have some curves. I would still like to lose some
weight though and a friend of mine said something about Ear Staples. It's a
type of acupuncture. Have you ever heard of it and does it work?


Jesus I could really have a field day with this one, but obviously you're looking for some advice and not someone to ridicule you. I'll let Lindsey answer about the weight. I do wanna say however that you're throwing the word "curves" around rather loosely. 50 lbs is not curves. It's 3 starving african kids strapped to your stomach.

I'm sorry I just cannot help myself.

Apparently Ear Staples is a procedure where they put a small staple in a spot in your ear where acupuncture is supposed to control your eating. The information I read said that it may or may not be effective in controlling weight loss. Now I'm not a Dr. but the risk of infection seems pretty great so as always I would speak with a physician before ever attempting something like that.

In the mean time I suggest stapling your fork to the table.

Damnit again sorry. I can't turn it off.


LA Story part II

Filed under: Life — Hawkwind @ 01:48:32 pm

So we've officially been in LA for about a week. I always forget how many people I know in every town until I get there. It must be from all my PR experience. Little known fact is that I am a people person. Some people may disagree but I call those people assholes.

Luckily I've had a bunch of friends come through town. Last week it was my old band the Intelligence and this week Kelley Stoltz who I signed to Sub Pop when I worked there. Seeing Kelley was great because it reminded me of when we were all in Amsterdam together. Me and their bass player stayed up all night with these two chicks in Rotterdam and when I finally got on the train back to Amsterdam I passed out and missed my stop by a few hours. I've never woken up so tired and confused. Well except for all the other times.

It's been a weird adjustment, but I'm digging the weather and so far everyone seems really cool and friendly. We'll talk about that next week but for now we have this week's question from a fellow friendsation member:

Q: Is it a bad idea for a chick to get an apartment with guy friends?

My lease is about to run out, and I'm considering living with two
guys. I've been friends with them for years, and we've never hooked
up. They're not especially cute, and I probably wouldn't fuck either
of them (unless severely drunk). Is living with guys a terrible idea?

P.S. Things to consider:
- They're not huge slobs.
- I'm fucking one of their friends regularly.
- I'm smarter/hotter than them.

A: This is a very timely topic as Lindsey has just moved in with two guys and will probably be able to give you some firsthand advice.

I think guys make better roommates then girls in general. We're more laid back about things like rent and we tend to do our own thing. Say you were at home working on something for school and your girl roomate comes home. There's a good half hour there where you're gonna have to hear all about her day thus taking away your time to get your work done. Guys, when we come home we just go to our rooms and watch TV.

You shouldn't worry about fucking these guys since you've already made it clear that you wouldn't unless you were really drunk. Your main problem to consider when living with guys is our cleanliness or lack thereof. I consider myself to be a pretty clean guy, but I'm constantly being told by women to clean my bathroom.

You say they're not huge slobs, but you've made that observation as an outsider. It's kinda like when you go to the zoo. That monkey cage looks pretty clean from the outside but when you get behind that glass and have to take a shit is there anywhere clean to sit down? Does a dirty toilet bother you? How bout piss stains on the floor in the bathroom. Girls hate those and the sad truth is that all guys miss occasionally.

here's a quick list of things/stains you're sure to encounter when living with guys.

beer cans
vomit on the back of the toilet and floor
mounds of weird hair
zits that have been popped onto the bathroom mirror
blood stained toilet paper
live crabs in the bathtub (I ate them later)
used condoms (I left those alone)

Basically my point is that you're gonna have to get used to some really nasty stuff. If you can handle it you'll be fine. Most women can't though.

Oh and by the way I'm sure you'll end up fucking one of these guys too.

You always do.


L.A Turn Your Big Eyes Out To Sea

Filed under: Life — Hawkwind @ 12:16:49 pm

So much has happened in the past week, I don't even know where to start. I moved to L.A last Monday. I know I was talking about driving down there in my last blog, but I didn't really go into detal......So, here I go. I picked up Lindsey in Ballard on Monday around 12 pm. That's the highlight of my whole trip. I know, I wish I could give you some juicy details, but really, that's about it. Nothing exciting happened until Wednesday night when we got to Manhatten Beach and got to crash on our bosses couch for free. She was out of town, so she left the house key hidden on her patio but it took us forever to find it. It was dark when we got there so we had to lift up anything that looked like it could have a key hiding under it. I had to use my cellphone screen as a light. Finally we found the key in a aluminum painted frog holding fake flowers right in front of her door.........I don't think the average Joe could have found that.

Throughout the whole trip I had been really constipated, so when we arrived at our bosses, I felt like it was time to take a dump. What I didn't realize was that her septic system was really sensitive. Lindsey had gone pee and flushed and it was fine, so I didn't think anything of if. Well, after I did my business the fucking thing wouldn't flush. I sat there with my hand on my forehead, leaning against the wall, staring down the drain at my log, trying to figure out how to get it down. I tried to flush a second time and that wouldn't work, so I turned off the water tank and proceeded to shut the lid and pretend like nothing had happened.

I finally found my new home, which is located in Hollywood, and I like it . I live with a 33 year old woman who plays the banjo and writes a comic book. The best part is that my room has butterflies and fairies painted on the walls. For a while I sat there and thought about my life. I really feel like its time for me to become a better man so I thought up a few new ideas to live by:

1. Do what I am good at. Don't try too hard or spend too much time doing what I am bad at.

2. Tell people what I am bad at, let them be aware.

3. Connect my energy to a creative outlet

4. Get well enough organized to achieve my goals

5. Ask for and give advice to those I trust. Ignore as best I can, the dream.

6. Make sure to keep up regular contact with a few close friends.

7. Stick to my positive side even though I have a negative one. Only make decisions when I haven't been drinking.

I think that those are a few keys to keep me going. I can't remember if I wrote them or if I found them in a self help book and recorded them in my journal. I don't think it matters. All that really matters is that I strike it rich down here. Anyways, I think its time for bed, I just got my ass kicked at a game of Monopoly by guys four years younger than me.


Short Answers about Porn

Filed under: Life — Hawkwind @ 12:48:55 pm

Well Lindsey and I are getting on the road in about an hour so this will be our last column from Seattle.

We figured we'd clean out the Cats and Dogs message center and answer a few questions all at once. Here we go...

Q: Every girl in porno these days has a completely shaved crotch.
Do guys really care about that?

A: It does matter to guys when we're watching porno. The point of porn is too watch women do stuff that your girlfriend or wife doesn't. That's why they always show blow jobs for like 6 hours. In real life we might ask you to shave it once in awhile just for something new and different but really if we like you we don't really care. If it's on your legs or stomach then you should give yourself a trim. Also if you wear panty hoes and your bush gets all mashed up and weird looking it's probably time for a new do.

Q: My boyfriend comes really quick. I mean almost immediately, even
when wearing a condom. I like him so I don't want to break up, but I'd
really like to enjoy our sex life as well.

A: Your boyfriend either has a physical problem with premature ejaculation in which case he should see a Dr. I'm always one for home remedies though and I suspect he has too much semen built up. You need to get him on a strict regiment of jerking off right when he wakes up in the morning. And then maybe on his lunch break. Hopefully he lives close to work. He probably shouldn't jerk off in his car or in the file room. I also suggest that you buy him some porno. I would be psyched if my girlfriend bought me porn. It's like that crappy song says "More then words to say you love me." I think that dude is talking about getting porno.

Q: I've come to realize that I actually enjoy masturbating to porno more
then having sex with my girlfriend. Sometimes I have already
jerked off twice before I see her and then I don't feel like doing it.
What should I do?

A: Shit, well now I don't know what to say to the previous person. I guess don't buy your boyfriend porn or else he may get hooked on it and not want to have sex with you at all?

I'll be perfectly honest and say that I've gone through similar phases myself. I think it's really just from sheer boredom though. You need to get a hobby. I'm gonna guess you spend way too much time doing laundry as well. I'd say join the gym. You'll feel better afterwards, you'll have more energy to fuck your girlfriend and it'll give you an hour or so each day where if you reach for your dick you'll drop a dumbbell on your head.

And over to you Linz...

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