Straight Up

So I'm out in 29 Palms near Joshua Tree. As I walk by the pool I see this smokin hot bird and I wonder to myslef "What the fuck is she doing out here in the middle of nowhere." I notice she's standing near this older guy who I assume is her father. As they walk closer I realize it's Eric Burdon. I guess he lives out here in Yucca Valley. One of the better sightings so far in California. Plus the fact that he was with a woman 30 years younger was pretty cool.

Is it ok for a girl to ask a guy out and if so how do you go about it? I met
this guy the other night and he hasn't called yet and I want to call him,
but I've been out of the dating scene for quite awhile now.

Your decision is going to depend on what type of male you are talking about.
So far I have uncovered four distinct breed of males. All of which have
different needs. Please see chart below:

39% of men are Mr. Traditionals: Most primal of the subspecies he more than
likely approached you. He is confident, determined, helpful and at times
very talkative. He is the man. This is not the type of guy you should call.
He wants to call you. He also wants to make the first move. So, let him. If
you call him, it will set him out of his boundaries and he will become
intimidated. In turn he will seek a woman who will submit to his desires.
Good example is Robert Redford.

37% of men are Mr. Dudes: Also highly primal except this guy is more
concerned about food, shelter and sex versus a pretty woman. This guy may
have approached you if you were wearing tight pants, a low cut shirt or were
pole dancing on the bar drunk. You can call this guy and if he is available
he will hang out. You can also let loose around this guy and be yourself
because he doesn't really care. This guy is good for fun, so don't plan on
any type of commitment from him. A good example is George Clooney.

18% of men are Mr. Shys: He is very confusing because he pretends like he
doesn't like the girls he really likes while he freely talks to the women
who he would never date. This guy does not approach women. This guy does not
call women either. This is generally the man most women like because if he
likes you, he is golden. Unfortunately, this type of guy doesn't come around
very often, so call him NOW. Kiss him too; give him a big juicy blow job.
Jake Gyllenhaal is a good example of this guy.

6% of men are Mr. Mixes: He is the rarest breed. This guy is a combination
of all three breeds and changes by the day. He is unpredictable which is
good for women who get bored easily, however this guy tends to have many
women after him. This guy may have approached you, but that doesn't mean he
is going to talk to you the next day. He also might appear attached to one
woman, only to like another a week later. He is good for women who are into
psychology. If you would like to have a good intellectual conversation, give
him a call, but don't plan on anything more. Biggie Smalls is a good example of
this guy.

I hope that helps. It really should. If you have more subspecies to add,
feel free. I am still in the anthropological beginnings of my male
discoveries.

Funny enough Lindsey and I both came up with lists this week on our own and about men. It seems like women are always trying to figure out why men act a certain way. I say give up now ladies. There is no hope.

Also I didn't realize that I am included in 6% of the men out there. I must be quite unique. Some would say rare. I think Lindsey has a pretty good thing going here and it'd be hard to argue with a list where I'm included with Robert Redford, George Clooney, and Jake Gyllenhall.

However I think that you'd be wasting your time by trying to figure out what type a guy someone is before you call him. How would you ever know unless you spent some time with him?

If a man likes you he will definitively be available when you call. Especially if you have yet to sleep with him. The place where a lot of women go wrong is they take things way to serious way to fast. I have never once had a guy ask me if I was "paying attention" to them, but some women freak out if you don't look them directly in the eye during a conversation. This kind of shit freaks guys out and so we tend to stay away from these "needy" women.

It's all in your approach. Feel free to call the guy whenever you want, but suggest something casual like getting together for a drink after work. That gives us a chance to get out of the date after a few beers and never call you again. Men like to feel comfortable that we can avoid you in the future. If you give us enough slack we might even stick around.

Topic of The Week: Have you ever waited a specific time to call someone you actually liked?

Is Deal or No Deal the dumbest fucking show ever or what? It's just idiots opening boxes. They think that there is some method to it when all it is, is a game of chance. Listen lady you are being offered $100,000 for doing nothing. Take the money! Besides that and "To Catch a Predator" (the show where a bunch of dudes try to bang some underage girl who loves Mike's Hard Lemonade) TV is at an all time low. Personally I love it!

I think everyone deserves a second date. I don't think you can tell enough
about a person just by one date. That being said I'm single and haven't had
a girlfriend in a really long time. What am I doing wrong?

It's not that you are doing anything wrong; it's that you are really
annoying. Men sit there and complain about how annoying women are when
really, they are the annoying ones. I was at a house last night trying to
sleep on the couch when a group of dudes showed up and wouldn't shut up. One
of the guys was applauding at anything funny his friends said. I was laying
there thinking, this is really fucking stupid man. I got up and gave them a
lecture about how they have no right to accuse women of being annoying. Then
I left. My point is that you are either talking too much, or not enough. On
top of this, you are probably not doing anything she wants. The three keys
to getting a second date are this:

1. Ask her what she wants to do, and do it.
2. Keep up with her pace....don't be too loud or too quiet.
3. Be original....don't make any moves.

If you can follow those three things then you are on your way to her
bedroom. Congrats!

Nobody deserves a second date. You either like someone and want to ask them out again or you don't. Myself, I don't think I've ever really been on a successful date. Going on dates is something weird that New Yorkers do. The rest of us just hook up drunkenly at bars or parties.

Lindsey, how can you say this guy is annoying? You don't even know him. And what is this men are annoying line? Men and women are both equally annoying, just in different ways. Usually Men do annoying things like leaving the toilet seat up or fucking your best friend but women annoy the shit out of us with their constant nagging. We all know this to be true but we just accept it and move on.

What you're doing wrong my friend is that you're being too nice with this 2nd date crap. The men that women want to be with don't have "rules" or "criteria" for dating. You show up and if the chick is a pig, dates over. It's that simple. If she's cool and good looking don't worry about it and ask her out again. As far as asking her what she wants to do? Please. Have you ever asked a woman what she wanted to do? They have no fucking clue. Do whatever you want. She'll respect you for that.

Topic: Worst date ever?

For the literally tens of people that read this column weekly i would like to update you on an intersting twist. The radio show companion to this column entitled "Cats and Dogs" has been picked up by a college station in the UK. Typical that America is slow to act(I'm looking in your direction slavery!) but hopefully this will lead to more opportunities to spread our unique and generally hilarious ideas around the world.

Last week my boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me. He basically just said
he was "Bored of looking at me." Now I'm depressed and don't know what to
do. How do you get over a break up? How long does it take?

I always wanted to be a detective or a criminal psychologist so, now is a
good chance to use my criminal profiling skills. From the way you make this
guy sound, he could easily be completely unaware of anyone but himself. The
fact that he used the words "bored" and "looking" suggest that he is really
vain. Also, people who get bored easily can have issues with commitment.

I think you are more depressed about the way he made you feel. Please
realize that he is going to make anyone he is close to feel like this. It's
not you. To get over a break up means that you have to deal with the
rejection. If you would have been smart enough and dumped him before he did
it to you, you would be fine right now. It's the fact that you let a loser
reject you. It's one thing to get dumped by a magnificant man, but by a
loser is harsh.

You have to get over it. It's not that big of a deal. If he was a good man
then maybe I could understand, but any dude who tells you that he is "bored
of looking at you" isn't even cool enough to be called a dick. In the mean
time, go get a tub of icecream and eat it all. Then, puke it up on a picture
of his face.

Typically the average time it takes to get over a realtionship is 1/3 of the time you were together. So in your case you're looking at about a year. What you need to realize though is that it's not about you. Women always think it's about them when we break up, cheat, or want to spend time apart from you.

The deal with most guys is that we need to feel very secure in our own lives(i.e. succesful) before we can spend any quality time with a woman. This guy is basically telling you that he is unhappy in his own life and not ready for a commitment. Look you got off easy. You could have gotten married and had kids before he decided he was bored with you.

Don't eat any ice cream. Join the gym and meet someone better.

Topic of the Week: What is the harshest way someone has ever broken up with you?

Awww spring. The protests were in full bloom this week and the war rages on. I can smell the change in the air. It smells like ridiculously over-priced oil.

My boyfriend and I have been going together for about 9 months. We have been
off and on a bit but lately things have been getting serious. He lives in a
house with a bunch of other guys and a couple
of girls. I don't mind him being around other women but recently he told me
that his ex girlfriend is moving into the house. And not just the house but
the same room in which he sleeps. Every time I try to talk to him about it he
says I'm overreacting. I want to tell him that I don't think it's right, but
I don't know how.

My first instinct is that this is a very odd situation, but I am going to
look at it from everyone's perspective. Your boyfriend is thinking that this
is really sweet. He has you, and now he will have a chick living in his
room. He is going to look really cool to all his friends and he will get
laid when he leaves, and when he comes home. What a stud.

His ex-girlfriend either has intentions of getting back together with him,
or she really needs a place to crash. Why can't she crash somewhere else?
Maybe she is trying to get back together with him. The easiest way for a
girl to get with any guy is to sleep in his bed every night. I don't know
about you, but any guy who tries to crash in my bed pisses me off. If he
tries to feel me up on top of this, I bark and growl. Couldn't they have the
decency to wait for the invite? Or, are they only concerned about getting
pregnant? Men, look out for any woman who just "crashes in your bed". Who
knows what else she is capable of. Possibly poking a hole in the condom? Oh,
honey, I crashed in your bed last night, but guess what, "I'm pregnant and
you are nice, what should we do?"

Do you want to trust your boyfriend and believe that he is just doing his
ex-girlfriend a favor by letting her crash in his bed? Do you want to trust
that he won't sleep with her even if she tries? How can you? Is she good
looking and does she have a working vagina? I say trust your gut instinct
on this one and don't make yourself look bad.

This would never happen if the situation was reversed because any guy who let his girlfriend sleep in the same room with an ex would get laughed out of his group of friends.

You have to put your foot down in a situation like this. Obviously this bothers you and really is this relationship really that great that you'd be willing to let him walk over you like this? I'm gonna guess no, because he obviously isn't making a lot of dough if it's so bad that he has to split the rent on a room, not to mention with his EX!

As Lindsey says it makes you look bad. The odd thing is women will accept this fate time and time again just to hold onto to some guy. I've never figured it out, but I would like to thank you ladies for letting us walk all over you. It makes it easier when we don't have to worry about your feelings.

Topic of the Week: What does a guy have to do to get you ladies to break up with him?