Straight Up

Dear Jed and Lindz,
I was saving myself for that someone special and met this wonderful
guy. After a bit of dating and getting to know each other I decided
that this was the guy that I would like to lose my virginity to. We have a
great chemistry, he's funny, sexy, perfect for me. Things got heated and
we started making out. It was perfect and then one thing led to
another and next thing I knew I was knee deep in pillows and he was
knocking the walls, I was covered in perspiration and I was on the verge
of a monster climax... I mean this guy was doing everything right.
Then he turned me over and my legs were wrapped around him and I could
tell that at that second it was going to be the 4th of July 2005 all
over again... I bucked my hips for the final thrust and then... all of
a sudden this guy starts laughing, I mean he was hysterical, he just
couldn't stop laughing, it started out as a little giggle and then it
went to a louder giggle then a full blown laugh... what the fuck? I
mean he was still inside of me and moving but it was enigmatic... I
was mad and confused not to mention my feminine juices immediately
dried up/ my vaginal muscles relaxed, I lost my fucking climax and
this guy is laughing. I like this guy... but shit, he laughs when he
ejaculates...its fucking distracting...what do I do..what do I say?
is this normal? I mean I like this guy but what do I do...

Sincerely,
High and Dry

From the beginning of your letter it sounds like you're one of these women that wants everything to be like a fairy tale. You want the dude to show up in his battle armor after just slaying a dragon and lay you down on a bearskin rug and make passionate love til you have earth shaking climax after climax. Oh and you don't want it to hurt at all or be uncomfortable in any way. Just perfect. And furthermore if he gooks on your face that might ruin the mood a bit. Is that your fantasy? Well it's either your's or mine so let's just say it's yours.

Listen here's the deal. Some dudes laugh when they come. Have you ever seen what a dude's face looks like when he's coming. It's funny shit man! It's also kind of an embarrassing thing for some people and that's how they deal with it. I'm sure he doesn't do it every time and you shouldn't feel like he's laughing at you at all.

It's seem like you're being too picky. You have this amazing guy and this one little thing bothers you that much? But if it turns you off that bad hey, don't have sex with the dude. You've only fucked one dude and he was able to almost bring you to orgasm. I bet there are a lot of other guys you could have great sex with as well. What I mean is you're about to embark on a special time in every girl's life called your slut phase*

I think men and women can both be too picky. The difference is what they're picky about. I used to know this chick who shit the bed every time she came. Trust me it wasn't from personal experience. My buddy fucked her and told us all about it. The funny thing is a bunch of my other friends ended up fucking her too. All the while they knew at some point during sex with her she was gonna take a crap. This is why men are able to endure things such as War. We improvise and take it on the chin.

In this case they just started laying down some plastic sheeting.

I forgot what my point was High and Dry, but I think it's basically that things could be a lot worse. As long as he doesn't punch you in the face, shit on your legs, or cry when he comes I think you should just learn to roll with it.

*slut phase
sometimes girls go through this phase where they will drink a lot of booze and pretty much fuck any dude in the bar. It's like they are dudes for a couple years or so. Whenever you seem some hot chick make out with some really gross dude in a bar that means she's in her slut phase. Or the guy is rich.

I got an e mail from a good friend of mine the other day. She had just moved to a new city and while she has been dating a lot of different guys, she doesn't really feel the need to be tied down to any one person right away. I think that's a really smart way to look at things, especially when moving to a new city. You need to get out there and meet as many people as possible and if you tie yourself down to a relationship right away you'll probably end up missing out on a lot of opportunities to make friends.

The problem is that this is one of those girls who generally has only guy friends as opposed to girls. I'm sure that any dudes reading this have met a lot of women in their lives that for whatever reason only like hanging out with their guy friends. If you've ever listened to Tom Lykis or Chris Rock you know why these types of women should be avoided as far as dating goes. If you don't know, ask me and I'll tell you the reasons.

So anyway this girl wants to go out on dates with guys, be friends with guys, and get to know as many of them as possible. She doesn't however want to fuck any of them. And big surprise they all seem to just want sex.

My problem is that women should know by now that the ultimate goal for a man is always to fuck you. And preferably the sooner the better. This girlfriend of mine doesn't understand why she can't just be friends with any of these men she meets. The reason is that men don't want to be your friend. We're busy with our lives, we don't have time to sit around and listen to your problems or hear about your day or what your life goals are. We just want to get laid and when we figure out that we are not going to get laid we stop calling you. Of course we stop calling after we get laid for the exact same reason.

Sure I have girlfriends that are just friends and nothing more, but I don't go out with them alone or buy them dinner or take them out for a drink. That's what I do with my guy friends.

If a guy is taking you out for dinner or drinks he's trying to figure out how much money, time, or whatever else type of investment he needs to make to get into your pants. Nothing more.

Unless he's gay. He's not gay is he?

Apparently Lindz has a really bad zit on her lip or something this week. Hopefully she can take care of it and join us later. It really bums me out that she's mentioning it because I, like most men, demand nothing but perfection from the women I associate with. If you have a zit, please wait until it's gone before I have to talk to you. Especially if it's in person. It's just common courtesy. This goes for fat chicks too. I'd prefer to not see you until you take care of that little problem of yours.

The deal is that I have my hands full at the moment and I'm very happy with my relationships. However if things don't work out and you would like to approach me in the future I'd prefer it that you save my time and yours by being extremely hot and interesting to talk too. That is all. Thank you.

And now for this week's letter

Dear Jed and Lindsey,

My question to you is this: There is this guy who likes me. He is
extremely nice. Almost too nice and it bothers me. For instance, he will
show up at bars and have cigarettes for everyone; he also pays for
everyone's bar tabs. On top of that, he will give anyone a ride home
because he doesn't get drunk. He also gives out his number and tells people
to call him Roadside Assistance. Anyways, the other night we were all out
drinking and out of the blue, this lady walked up to me and asked me what
kind of stuffed animal I wanted. You know the lady who walks around the bar
and tries to sell flowers and stuff. The
next day my friends and I were talking about it, and they say that he is just too nice in an almost unattractive way. I feel bad for thinking that. I am curious why he may feel the need
to be so nice? Is there anything we could say so that he doesn't have to
continue to be overly nice? Or, should we just accept him the way he is? I
guess we are just trying to help him save some cash.

-just tryin to be nice

Like I said in the title of this column I really dig nice guys. They help dudes like myself get laid. They're kinda like the garbage men of the dating world. They end up in relationships really early on with really lame chicks and usually they stay with them for quite some time. By taking these boring ass broads off the market it narrows down the playing field for dudes like myself who aren't neccesarily looking for anything other then getting laid. Nice guys usually have low self esteem the way that hot chicks do. The nicer the guy or the hotter the chick the lower their self esteem is generally. This allows other people to take advantage of them. For this nice guys I salute you. I also feel very sorry for you.

As for this letter, I assume you have no interest in dating this guy so why does it matter if he's nice to you or not? As a friend you should tell him that you like him but only as a friend. You would appreciate it if he didn't spend all his money on you. Sit him down and tell him that women don't like it when guys are overly nice. If you don't he'll never learn and probably move onto buying someone else a bunch of worthless crap. As soon as he figures this out and stops paying attention to you you'll get drunk, call him, and his new name will be Road Head Assistance.

Hey Guys,

I have a problem. Big Surprise. Anyway here's the deal. My boyfriend and I own a house and have been living together for 3 years now. The relationship is good, but I have to admit that I'm feeling kind of bored with him lately. Sometimes I feel that if we went to counseling or if we try to work things out that I might change my mind. The real problem is that I just got an e mail from an old boyfriend last week. He said that he will be in town next month and wants to see me. This is a guy that I always felt was my soul mate and makes me feel the way I wish that my current boyfriend did. Do you think I should try to work things out with the current one, go for the old flame or what? I'm really confused here.

-anonymous

Ok it sounds more like you have a few problems. First why do you own a house with someone that you aren't married to? I don't think you should even think about living with someone unless you plan to spend the rest of your life with them. The paperwork alone sounds like a nightmare. As hard as it's gonna be there is really only one answer here. Break up with your boyfriend. No amount of counseling or trying to change your mind will ever help you love him again. It's over so you're just gonna have to move on.

That's actually easier in a way then the lost love scenario. For some reason the lost love attraction can be stronger years later then even the first time you meet someone. Maybe it's a bit of the absence makes the heart grow fonder or this suspended reality that things were better back then. The truth is that you've just forgot the reason you broke up with this person in the first place. Whether it was your's or their doing. I'm suspicious of lost loves getting in contact with you. The majority of the time they have probably just gotten out of a relationship and are contacting you only because they are lonely themselves.

Have lunch with the guy. You will anyway. But be cautious as to why he wants to see you again. Maybe you're better off on your own right now.