Straight Up

Dear Cats and Dogs

I have been off and on with my boyfriend for the last four years. We
started dating
our Senior year of high school and then we took a break for two years.
We have been back together for the past year and the relationship has
been going great.
In the mean time, we bought a house together and things seem to be
progressing. I
am thinking about proposing to him. Do you think that would be a good idea?
Do you think that I should
be waiting for him? I believe he will say yes, but I just wanted to get some
input on this idea.

-Carrie

I tend to think of marriage as more of a female "need" then a male
"want." What I mean is that I don't remember playing "house" with any
of my guy friends when I was a kid. Girls start thinking about babies
and marriage way before they even get their periods. I've never
understood it but it's obvious that this is some instinctual trait
that women have.

That being said as guys get older a lot of us also start to think about
settling down. I know lots of guys that have kids and they couldn't be
happier. It's cool to have a little dude version of yourself to throw
the ball to. It also gets pretty old running around with lots of
different women. As much trouble as a wife can be having 2 or 3
girlfriends is a whole nother headache. I think that's why they
invented called id. Anyway I believe that human beings are supposed to
be monogamous later in life in the same way that I think young dudes
should try to bang as many chicks as possible. You can only be the
alpha male for so long before some younger monkey comes along and
knocks you off your rock though. At that point you're gonna need someone to
cook the bananas. It's just the order of things.

By the way is there anything funnier then monkeys? They think they're people sometimes.

So my advice to you Carries is to give it a shot. I'd be flattered if
a girl asked me to marry her. And if I wanted to stay with her it'd
probably be wise of me to say yes. At least by asking you'll know if
he feels the same way about you.

Topic of The week:
Do young people (other then the gays) still feel the need to get married
these days or can you have a long and healthy relationship without
ever saying I do?

Dear Jed and Lindsey,

I have a boyfriend who I have been together with for over a year. Last
week my girlfriends and I went to a party where I got totally blown
away drunk. I ended up sleeping with some guy I hardly know and I feel
like total crap. Should I tell my boyfriend or not? This has happened
one other time and I am not sure why I keep doing this.
Please help.

Cassie

First off don't tell your boyfriend. I'm convinced now that telling
people you've cheated on them never solves anything. It makes them
trust you less and it makes you trust your partner less because you'll
always be worried that they are out there cheating on you.

Next I would suggest that you stop getting drunk and cheating on your
boyfriend. Maybe you should start by trying not to drink when you go
out. You don't need tell anyone why you're not drinking and if they
ask just say that you're taking a little break. Plus people love to
hang out with designated drivers. I know I do. I have a program with a
local AA group where I call some of the members when I get really
hammered. They come and pick me up and take me home safely. It's a
win-win situation. I get a free ride and they get reminded as to why
they quit drinking in he first place. Sometimes we get Taco Bell.

If you go out and still end up cheating on your boyfriend when you're
sober then you have a bigger problem. You're a cheating slut. There's
not a lot you can do about that, but just to make it easier on you and
your future boyfriends you should probably try to stay single as long
as possible. I know things happen and of course nobody is perfect
9especially drunk0 but there's really no excuse to ever cheat on
anyone. And if you cheat on me wear a condom or better yet fuck
another girl. I won't even get bummed. Honest.

TOPIC of the WEEK - What constitutes cheating?

Ok here's my list- kissing another dude, intercourse, touching a dudes
wang, ass play, hanging out with some dude I'd don't like, sleeping
over at some dude's house, going out to dinner alone with a guy, e
mailing some dude, adding him to your myspace profile, talking on the
phone with some dude that I don't know, getting a ride, excepting
gifts, giving out your number and so on and so on.

See the point is we know the difference between right and wrong so why
do we continue to see and speak with people we want to be with
romantically while we're still in commited relationships. I think we're all
just afraid to be alone. You should actually try being alone sometime. It's
really quite relaxing.

As a young career minded man like myself there is nothing in the world that can fuck up your life more then a woman. You've seen story about the kid that's born without legs but still manages to make the high school gymnastics team? They always do these news stories about how courageous they are and all that bullshit. Well I say big fuckin deal. I could make any high school team with or without legs.

What about the poor bastard just getting out of college or high school whose girlfriend decides to get pregnant and then he has to eat shit for the next 18 or so years. That would be a made for TV movie that I'd actually watch. I can see it now, there's this 18 year old guy opening up the mailbox to find out he's just been accepted to State College. As he runs into the house he opens the door to find his girlfriend sitting in the kitchen holding hands with his mom. They tell him that he's gonna be a daddy. The rest of the movie is this guy working at the local Steel Mill and trying not to kill himself. Now that's entertainment.

Anyway to avoid this type of situation obviously you have to protect yourself. If you don't know about condoms by now you're probably having a hard time reading as well so I won't bother explaining that. However I am going to give you a list of the type of women to avoid and why. This is just a way to ensure as much happiness in life as possible. Some of these are from experience. Some of these have been taken as advice from others. Some I've even talked about before. If you would like you can print out this list and keep it in your wallet.

1. Single moms- they've already made one mistake and I would hope you wouldn't want to be part of the second one.

2. Fat girls- You think when you hit a rough patch she's gonna help out? She can't even take care of her self.

3. Women that talk too much- the female voice has been the downfall of many great men in our time. Look at Bill Clinton. You would cheat too if your wife was constantly yapping at you.

4. Girls that only have guy friends- Do you want to hang out with a bunch of guys that want to fuck your girlfriend? Me neither.

5. Christians- Oh they'll bang ya, but you better pray that rubber doesn't break.

6. Any woman that refuses to take birth control- They all say birth control makes them sick. Well pregnant chicks make me sick so what the fuck? Again is it really worth the risk?

7. Chicks that you're buddies have already fucked- You know all the nasty shit your guy friends have done. You wanna fuck a chick that's been with one of those degenerates? This may also induce jealous fights later when she screams that your best friend's cock is bigger than yours.

8. Married chicks- You could possibly get shot which ranks only slightly higher on the bummer meter then getting a chick pregnant.

9. Sluts- C'mon you know when a chick is a slut. Fuck her yeah, but please don't marry her. You're gonna end up shooting some guy.

10. And finally Fats Chicks- I know they're on here twice, but really nothing bums me out more.

As always your e mails on any topic are appreciated.

So I've been in LA for a week now and I'm getting much more used to it then I have in the past. I've been hanging out mostly is Silverlake which is a little mellower and more my scene. I'm staying in Hollywood though and every night I leave to go out I have to walk through a sea of paparazzi to get to my car. It's a weird deal for trailer trash like myself but I'm having a blast.

I'm not sure about the dudes down here though. I would describe them as "pussies" but maybe that's a little unfair. I guess the correct term would be metrosexual. I can't believe girls are into that shit, but I'm a dude so I'm not really sure. Can you ladies let me know the acceptable amount of hair products, prep time and overall fashion sense allowable? Sometimes women need to tell you stuff so you don't end up going over board. A long time ago a girl told me that women hate it when you look up at them while you're eating them out. Since then I've heard the same thing from tons of chicks. I would have never known had someone not told me and I bet there are a bunch of dudes right now staring at their girlfriends while they eat their pussies. Stop it. Apparently they hate that.

This week I was also reminded of another relationship issue. Here's the deal.

Say you have a boyfriend who spends a lot of time with another girl he considers to be one of his best friends. Cool right? Well say that this girl hates you and you hate her. Basically she's like your arch nemesis. Also at some point in the past your boyfriend has slept with this girl. What do you do?

My action would be to lay down an ultimatum. You can either stay in this relationship and not be friends with this person or we're done. I know it seems kinda harsh, but I think it's just matter of respect. If a girlfriend of mine really didn't like one person and everytime I hung out with that person she talked shit about my girlfriend I would have to stop being friends with her.

I know you ladies love to be mistreated but honestly how would you deal with this type of situation?