Straight Up

So this is officially the last week of my column. Next week Ill be joined by Lindsey as we launch Cats and Dogs. Ill still be writing some stuff on my own whenever I get that special feeling ya know. Like when Im driving late at night and I can feel the heat comin off the road. Reach down between my legs. Ease the seat back. Ya know. That feeling.

Anyway for this last official installment I wanted to change it up a bit. Ive talked a lot about women on here so I figured Id talk about some of my recent encounters with men. Yea I know. Totally gay.

I never feel like meeting women is difficult. I dont mean to hook up with them or whatever but its just more comfortable for me to speak with a woman Ive never met before then some dude. With women you always have that flirting thing that kinda breaks the ice.

With dudes its different. You have to find a common interest or the conversation gets dull real fast. Here are my two recent experiences.

I get into Berlin Wednesday night at about 9:30. I had looked at a German newspaper in Holland to see what was going on and there was a 60s garage rock night at this club Kaffee Burger near my hotel. I get down to the club and it seems pretty dead. There are two dudes hanging out outside that look kinda like greaser rocker types. I ask them if Im in the right place and they say yea and so I head in. Thats usually about the extent of a normal dude conversation. Its an exchange of information and then you move on. Im by myself though in a city where i dont know anyone so when they walk in I offer to buy them a couple beers for the info. We get to talking and like me theyre record collectors. Serious record collectors though. Long story short I end up hanging out with Joern and Christian for 3 more days while im in Berlin. The last day they take me to a bbq and then drive me to the airport. I could tell you how much of a kickass time we had but it would take forever. Anyway the point is its a rare occasion to meet guys and be friends with them after 3 days. We all kinda talked about it too as if it was a weird phenomenon. Anyway I feel like bros. for life with these 2 dudes.

Now Im in Copenhagen. My friend who lives here is in Helsinki for a medical conference so I find myself alone again in another bar. This dude comes up to me and offers to buy me a drink. What the fuck I say since I met two really rad dudes in Berlin Ill give this guy a shot. We start talking and he tells me hes from Sweden. At this point its also extrememely obvious to me that this dude is gay. He looks about my age though and hes not like a bear or anything so when he comes back 15 minutes later and asks me to join him and his friend I say sure. Im not the least bit uncomfortable having drinks with a couple gay dudes. Usually gay dudes know where a pretty good party is anyway. So its Me Allen the Swedish guy and Flemming his Danish friend. We sit there and drink for about 2 hours and talk about politics, new orleans, sex, life whatever ya know. Normal shit that dudes talk about. Let me just point out that at this time both these guys have said they were gay and Ive said I was straight. So eventually Flemming says he has to go because he has to get up early in the morning. I shake his hand and he says goodbye to Allen.

Immediately Allen turns to me and says You wanna have a 3 way with me and my boyfriend. You got two chicks in your pocket I say. I tell him again that Im straight. This is where it gets funny. He starts fucking questioning me like Im in some sort of homo version of Abu Graib or however you spell that place.

You wanna suck my cock in front of my boyfriend. No

Ok Ill suck your cock and my boyfriend watches. No

Ok you fuck me and my boyfriend watches. No

Ill be gentle really. No dude aint happenin.

You wanna take a walk. No.

Can I get you another beer. Yea you could buy me all the beers in this fuckin place but Im still not gonna fuck you or your boyfriend.

I just wanna lay next to you. Im sure you do.

Finally after I drink the beer that he bought me I tell him I have to go.

You might say that I was asking for it by sitting next to him or accepting free drinks but thats what college dudes say when they date rape somebody. I actually bought some of the beers too but fuckin Denmark is expensive and I aint gonna be buying rounds for gay dudes.

I go outside and throw up in the street. Not from being disgusted or anything but I was just really really drunk. As I walk home I think to myself So thats how chicks must feel.

I also realize how straight I feel.

It feels good.