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KZalan's Blog


Bird on Fire

Filed under: Posts — KZalan @ 06:04:07 pm

Belated Turkey Day to everyone. An interesting thing happened this year. My first Thanksgiving away from family in which my friends and I decided instead of making reservations and getting rip roaring drunk we would attempt to create our own dinner. I'm known amongst my friends to be a decent cook but a sudden ailment prevented me from participating. So, I trusted my friends to take on the responsibility of the preparation. What was supposed to be a meaningful gathering turned into a disastrous fiasco. Within 30 minutes, we sent our first friend off to the ER for what we later learned was food poisoning, possibly from a can she licked but later confessed. Then there were 9. An hour later we sent two people off to do a last minute run for eggs. They met with an unfortunate car accident. Nothing serious. Then there were 7. Few glasses of wine later, a couple began fighting over Holiday plans. They decided to leave. Then there were 5. About 3 hours into the whole thing, the smell of something burning evades the air. Mysteriously our turkey caught on fire. The 3 people in charge of the turkey bickered over whose fault it was. It was an unhappy thanksgiving.

So we pondered over our unappetizing display of burned turkey and uncooked fixins and decided there was only one thing to do. Make reservations and get rip roaring drunk. Even in my sick state, I was all for the idea. We went to the Grove and had dinner at La Piazza and laughed about everything that happened. After that we continued our drinking parade at the Whisper Lounge. By the end of the night we were having a Happier Thanksgiving and as we downed more and more shots it became even happier. In the end, I was thankful for the bird on fire. If it wasn't for that, I might have had a not so happy thanksgiving. We must have been wasted out of our minds because later that night, we went back and ate our Thanksgiving dinner. Thanks to the alcohol, it didn't taste so bad.


A Cartel and the Caterer

Filed under: Posts — KZalan @ 12:09:07 am

Hey everyone. Hope all is well. When asked to assist in the planning of an upcoming industry party I gladly accepted. The party was to be set in Bel Air complete with a stage of recording artists performing and a mix of Hollywood-ites intermingling. Planning an event is almost like cooking a meal. You're supposed to look forward to the end product, which is usually great, but when you're involved in the step-by-step process, it somehow loses it's allure. You begin to see the work that goes behind it and suddenly it becomes not so great and glamourous. The person in charge of it all never lifted so much as a finger to help in the process and sent "assistants" aka ass kissers to speak to us when he had concerns. When we wanted to speak to him, we had to make appointments mind you in his own home where the party was to be thrown. I began to catch on after a while, numerous people coming in and out, "security" like personnel in the house, constant rap booming from the internal sound system, and a bunch of over-energized "assistants". I was planning a party for a drug cartel. What threw me over the edge was when we were asked to make a seperate section for the "buffet". It didn't include any food...

For fear of losing my life, I accepted the invitation and brought friends as reinforcement and made sure we all had working cell phones in the event we had to dial 911. I was uneasy the whole night. I felt like I'd be shot if I didn't appear to have fun and we were all afraid to get drunk in case we were to be dragged into a room and never to be heard from. The only thing that took a little pressure off was the fact that it was star-studded and filled with many of Hollywood's elite. Then I saw him, the a-hole who hired us to do the party shaking hands and saying hello to everyone and I suddenly didn't feel so bad for feeling the way I did. Everyone had that same look of nervousness and plastered fake smiles. Maybe we were all afraid and no one wanted to admit it. But it made me think how we'd rather pretend everything is ok then admit the truth which I'm certain everyone there knew about our party host. Everyone wants to live the glamourous like but no one wants to see the ugly side of it, and trust me, it's always there.


Around the West in 8 Days and Butt Burping?

Filed under: Posts — KZalan @ 02:28:26 pm

Butt-burping? Yeah, exactly. Keep reading to find out. So my best friend in the whole world is getting married and I feel partially responsible since introducing her to her fiancee. We decided the ultimate bachelorette party was an 8 day trip with stops along the way ending up in Oahu Hawaii where she is to be married. Three friends met in Portland where she lives and began our first night there. We then moved on to Vegas (yeah, again) for two nights then to San Diego where we met up with some other friends for one night. We decided our goal was to maintain a buzz for 8 days and cure our horrendous hangovers on the plane with yet more booze. On our last leg to Oahu, we began downing the kiddie liquor bottles and then announced to the passengers of Flight 817 that my dear friend was getting hitched. Some people slept, while others said congrats and one perverted man even got in on the party. We didn't really care, since we couldn't exactly use our better judgement after Day 2. So there we were, 3 friends who met in Orlando and a random guy starting our new Chapter of the Mile High Club. The one where you get drunk, of course.

So the highlight of this trip sadly wasn't the partying or the smuggling of booze into Turtle Bay but the Sunday afternoon conversation with the bride to be over brunch. As we oogled and ahhed over the wedding plans she said, "Everything's perfect except for his butt burping." I immediately spat out my food. "I'm sorry what?" I asked. She proceeded, "He just does this thing, it's kinda gross." Gross was an understatement for joining those two words together. She explained, "It only bothers me when he does it while I'm going down on him." Just when you think it couldn't get worse. "It's kinda like when you need to pass gas but you hold it in, and your butt makes this growling noise. Like instead of burping you hold it in your throat and it makes that noise. Well this is when you hold in your fart. You know, butt burping?!" No, I didn't know that but thanks to her, I did now. Our other friend chimed in, "You're comparing swallowing your burp to your ass swallowing a fart?!" We all laughed. The bride continued, "Anyway, it just freaks me out and sometimes, he lets a little slip out." I think she just raised the bar on true love. Apparently we were not only celebrating the joining of two people, but the joining of two words, butt burping! Check out these pics of the Turtle Bay Resort and the Wedding Room.


Guys and Dolls

Filed under: Posts — KZalan @ 07:08:51 pm

Hello everyone. This past weekend I decided to do something a little different. I went out by myself. Contrary to what people think, it can be a rewarding experience but I think I still prefer the company of friends or a companion to being alone. I've been wanting to check out this place Guys for a while and decided now was the best time to do it. I immediately embraced the Industry-crowd and quickly started chatting with a guy at the bar. Soon I was being introduced to two of his friends. They were all very nice until I soon learned he was a comedian/writer and his friends were a writer's assistant and the other, an agent. I found myself suddenly wishing I wasn't there alone but yet I was, with no girlfriend to rescue me. But salvation wasn't too far away, a girl I had met a long time ago in Orlando FL happened to be there. As soon as we noticed each other, I felt much relief. I excused myself and met with my former popstar now turned pussy cat doll friend, Nicole. Luckily, she invited me to hang with her and the rest of the dolls for the evening. This led us to the newly renovated, proclaimed hot spot of the moment, Privilege, formerly known as Shelter here in L.A.

Since I had to drive myself, I restrained myself from drinking too much but yet still managed to have a good time despite my intentions of going out alone. It took a while to get used to. In fact, I found myself looking around for the friend who wasn't there and wondered when they were going to get back and join me for the next joke until I suddenly realized, no one was coming back from the bathroom. It's funny how much the effects of alcohol are different with the situations and your surroundings. It's true what they say, it's not where you go or what you do, it's who you're with and I think next time, I'll bring my friends.

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