Juji's Blog

Call them partner, call them boy/girlfriend, call them "other half" (but please don't, as it implies you're some sort of half-person/mutant/limited individual), but what defines a boyfriend? Can it be possible to have all the normal elements bar the sex and still have a relationship? Take for instance this dude I've been nuts over for way too long. We've got everything a perfect relationship needs - except the sex and the official title.

What do you make of it?

Pros

- He'll bend over backwards to help me when needed (but not in the bedroom)
- He can tell me he finds me very attractive (but hasn't seen me naked)
- He reckons I'm the most stimulating person he knows and that he loves talking to me (wait till he hears my sex talk)
- He admires and respects me (but doesn't want to have sex with me)
- We go out and have an absolute ball together.
- My friends describe us as two peas in a pod and say it's just so obvious and it's just a matter of time (it's been yonkers)
- He knows me inside out (well, not all of my insides) and reminds me when I'm off track and not heading where I need to head. I do the same for him.
- When we get together, by phone or in person, conversations run for hours and hours until the crack of dawn.
- He's artistic, creative and broadminded - like me.

Cons

- He doesn't want a relationship (WTF!!!!) as his previous ones have been disastrous. What he can't see is that we're already having one, without the sex. He's into sex and no, he's not gay. In the words of stupid, Australian ex-politician, Pauline Hansen who landed herself in jail, Please Explain.

In case you didn't notice, there are heaps more pros than cons. Trouble is, the one, solitary, little lonely con is the powerful beast that pisses the pros off into oblivion.

Should people be so damn nice when they don't want to follow through with the whole package? Can a 'relationship' be so good it doesn't need the sex? (You'll have trouble convincing me of that one!). Does a placebo boyfriend or girlfriend close us off from other opportunities so we end up missing out on the whole kit 'n' kabooble? Questions, Questions. Questions.

With all the weird 'n' wacky relationships going on on our planet, what are the essential ingredients for a relationship?

I asked my 16yo niece for some blog suggestions and the first word that came out of her mouth was vibrators. Goes without saying that if we go on a family hol, I ain't sharin' a room with her. Anyhows, it's an interesting one 'cos, while some of you may think I'm pretty open sexually, truth is I have little experience in this area - a situation I may rectify if you guys can fill in the gaps and tell me what all the vibrator fuss is about. I first lay eyes on one when a boyfriend gave me a box, prettily wrapped with cutout love hearts stuck all over it. I thought jewellery, maybe choccies. I opened the box - and screamed. It was so fat, the thought of placing that veiny, rubber tree trunk in my petite vj too much to take. I'm glad to say it didn't go to waste though. I was soon to discover that my then boyfriend made full us of it by vibrating it up his bum. I screamed again!

While I've come some ways since then, it still doesn't do anything for me. I mean, does it come with a set of strong thrusting hips? Does it have a tight set of buttocks attached? What happens if the batteries run out while you're peaking? Do you then throw it against the wall in frustration and let your fingers finish the job, or fumble around the house naked hunting for spares? Now that's an orgasm killer if ever there was one. Okay, I do admit, it is portable, we don't always have a real flesh-and-blood guy at our disposal, and it's probably more reliable than most men despite the battery scenario, but I remain unconvinced.

I'm curious to know what weird and wonderful things people do with them - the more out there the better. If you haven't got a really good vibrator experience, I don't care. Just make it up. Good sex goes hand in hand with a good imagination. I wanna know if guys (like my ex) use them. If so, how? Do they jiggle their balls with them or what? Do you like using them on a chick? Do chicks like guys using one on them? Can one with a really high vibrate level double as a stick blender on pulse? If so, I may consider it for the kitchen.

As for buying one, I ain't about to share my particular preferences with some sleazy dude at the local sex shop. Nor am I going to order one online and have it delivered to my door. How do you chicks buy them? When it comes to sex, I'm fussy. My partner has to be human. Juji x

In the never-ending study of what attracts men and women to each other, a US study has decided there are certain male physical attributes that mean a dude's gonna make good daddy material. Firstly, he's gotta have a symmetrical face - well that goes without saying 'cos no kid's gonna want a daddy with a lopsided, Elephant-man like mush cheering him on and dribbling hot-dog sauce at the baseball. He's also gotta have a straight, well-placed nose. Ditto to wet, unsightly dribbling at baseball! Also, noses residing in the ear, knee or navel region make for such difficult respiration, he'd smother, suffocate and probably die during foreplay well before he came, and his unejaculated seed would be buried along with him to decay in the bowels of the earth. Of course, if children sprouted from the ground (there's a nice, pain-fee idea), maybe he'd have a chance. It goes without saying he's gotta have a straight dick so the sperm don't end up under our right armpit.

He's also expected to have large, deep, expressive eyes and a soft jaw. You realise, don't you, we're ruling out half the guys on the planet! Yep, the primary producers have to look like no other than Jude Law. So, if per chance you don't, you may as well go and book yourself in for a vasectomy right now. Go on. Grab the phone. What are you waiting for?

In case you haven't noticed, studies like this give me the utter shits. They make people feel inadequate and they're based on crap! They showed a bunch of women a bunch of photos and asked them to rate them according to whether THEY THOUGHT the dudes would make good dads, etc. What they didn't bother to do is follow these 'perfect specimens' for the next 30 years or so to see whether any of them actually won Father Of The Year. I reckon there are heaps of guys with straight faces and noses, deep eyes, yada, yada, yada, in prison doin' time for murder, rape and paedophilia, not to mention all the soft jaws chewin' out the neighbour's pussy in a sordid affair. Anyone who's had their heart broken knows that an early attraction means shit! They also know that initial dreams and expectations often don't pan out.

And speaking of jaws, the study recokns us women are particularly attracted to a stronger jaw when we're at our most fertile time of the month. Let me assure you, this has nothing to do with future babies. It's simply 'cos we're needing a good strong jaw with octopus-like suction fixed to our vaginas lapping up all the extra juices we make while we're ovulating! If they'd have bothered to include me in the study, I would've told them so, and requested some strong-jawed candidates for an informative role play! Juji x

Given we live in a mad, modern day and age where communication is faster and more immediate than ever, seems like we're gettin' lazier with our words. Just look at LOL (Laugh Out Loud) and WTF (What The Fuck). I read a three-page list the other day of such abbreviations and some of them were downright stupid, like IMHO (in my humble opinion) and NIMBY (not in my back yard). Before you know we'll have abbreviations like IMARCGAFHOTHW (I met a really cute guy and fucked him over the weekend). Well, I'm sad to report I didn't, but rumour has it one of our featured bloggers did??? Maybe IMARCGAFHNW (I'll meet a really cute guy and fuck him next weekend). Or, with the way my sex life is at the moment, maybe I'll SHWTC (Stay home with the cat).

So, Abbreviations for Guys and Gals:

GAL: LGM (Let's Get Married)
GUY: HCOTBOMA (Hey, Check out this blackhead on my arse)

GAL: MMMGYMMH (More, more, more. God you make me hot)
GUY: RMTPISSOTWHFTR (Remind me to pick up some spuds on the way home for tomorrow night's roast) - true story!

GAL: INY (I need you)
GUY: WTR (Where's The Remote?)

GAL: IGAH (I've got a headache)
GUY: MT.WURIBLYFF (Me too. Will you rub it, but lick your fingers first?)

GAL: WMFEO (We're made for each other)
GUY: WAAHJT (What about a head job then?)

GAL: ARAIDC (Are you awake? I didn't cum)
GUY: DNS (Deep nasal snore)

GAL: WAICTW (Wake up. I'm climbing the walls)
GUY: WYV (Where's Your Vibrator?)

GAL: INTHT (I need the human touch)
GUY: WAAHJT (What about a head job then?)

GAL: AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH (No explanation needed)
GUY: DNS

In thinking about past or present sex partners. What is it that makes some guys really giving lovers and others selfish, think-with-their-dick morons? Is it a matter of intelligence, caring or what? I've had a share of both. What about you? Juji x