Juji's Blog

Linz's blog on Imagination reminded me of a weird night I had last night. I went to dinner in Ackland St, St Kilda, had a great time and lots of belly laughs - the ones that are so violent they make you feel like throwing up! Bring it on! Dinner wound up by about 10.30 and I had a sudden urge to drive to Morningon (bout an hour away), 'cos there was a party on. What the hell, it's Saturday night and I don't gotta get up the next morning.
So off I toodled, driving along, music on high, feelin' pretty great. I couldn't wait to get there, sneak up behind my girlfriend, and go "g'day Deb" and surprise the tits off her 'cos I originally said I wasn't going. I was also hanging out to see the birthday dude, cos he's the drummer in my fav band and I hadn't heard them in AGES! Was getting all pumped up and excited. Then I imagined them actually playing a few of my fav numbers 'cos the lead singer was gonna be there too. Yay! Party time. This band, the music, the friends associated with it, the vibe, etc, are like blood pumping through my veins.

Couldn't wait to rock up to the house, wind my window down and maybe hear Rosie, the coolest song, and race in and surprise and hug everyone. Ain't life grand!

Half way there I was a bit worried 'cos I had no present and no alcohol, but I was too hanging out to get there to stop and f around the shops. Besides, he's a good mate who would just be thrilled to see MWA - naturally!

Got to thinking about whether there might be any cuties there. When we were at dinner, I saw a coupla guys that got my juices goin', so I was in a raunchy mood and ready for action. So, driving along, yeah, it'a long way, lots of time to think.

Finally, after a wrong turn or two, got to the house...It was dark...there were no cars...no music...no sign of human life...deathly quiet! Mmmm...I must have assumed it was at the house, but they must have booked a venue! Damn! To cut a long story short, after 40,000 phone calls (which no one answered...gee the music must be up so loud they can't hear their phones), I roamed the streets looking for familiar cars and thinking of possible venues.

EVERYONE WAS AT THE FUCKING PARTY BUT ME...I FELT LOST, FORLORN. I reckon my bottom lip was pouting like a little kid when everyone else got ice cream except them. Not wanting to dag around the streets on my lonesome for much longer, I turned around and went home - flat, dejected, and sad.

As it happens, THE HOE who's married to this guy changed her mind about having this surprise party for her hubby, and decided to drag him off to a Melbourne hotel for the night (Poor guy - she's as ugly as sin and fatter than Linz's grandmother). Trouble is, she didn't bother to RING AND TELL ME!!!

My point in all of this is that, even though I didn't get to go to a super duper party 'cos it never fucking existed in the first place, I had an awesome time of it - IN MY IMAGINATION! Juji x

Even though it's chilly in Melbourne, I still like to start my day at my favourite cafe with a good, strong latte. Nothing like caffeine to get the heart pumping in the morning and, being single, there ain't much other opportunity for heart pumping activities in the morning. I could go for a walk but that's boring. Last Wednesday, as I leisurely flicked through the paper nursing the a coffee, a bit of welcomed winter sun warmed my back. Suddenly, a gentle voice behind me asked, "Would you like some company?" I turned and was instantly mesmerised by a ruggedly handsome, but mischievously boyish face. "Sure", I replied. He sat down next to me, pulling the chair close so his knees almost touched mine. There was no mistaking the instant electricity I felt.

He gazed into my face, his eyes fixed on mine. He smiled cheekily and, out of nowhere, asked if I'd like him to massage my neck! Weak in the face of a melting massage, I succumbed to him. He stood behind me, his body close to mine, and gently moved my hair away from my neck. The world stood still. He started to work his fingers into my muscles, slowly, working lightly at first, but then more firmly, honing in on the core of each knot and exerting just the right amount of pressure. He had a knowing knack that was perfectly in tune with me. I felt myself letting go, surrendering completely to the moment. A small part of me knew this was reckless, another part of me felt too good to really care. After what seemed like an eternity, he stopped with a gentle caress and said, "See you next Wednesday", and was gone without another word.

There's a raspy lick on my face, and the smell of rank fish breath pierces my nostrils and wakes me from my dream. My cat, Little Kitty Peabody (yeah, the name's a long story), is staring into my face about a centimetre from me, her whiskers poking me up my nostrils. So much for my romantic dream! I'm single, I sleep with my cat and she wants feeding - now. How unromantic.

What ever happened to romance? Does it still exist? What's the most romantic experience (preferably not in the dream state) that you ever had? I'm off to the Mystic Mountains for a few days and hope to return with a ream of romantic stories. I'll keep you posted. Juji x

Okay, it's a given that us singles probably dip out a bit in the sex stakes. Unless you're into lots of casual sex, it's easy for things to stagnate in the sex department, you end up climbing the walls, and worse still, even forget what it's like. And I'm of the opinion it ain't healthy. Good sex energises, revives and gets us out of the cerebral states most of us seem to get into. It gets the creative juices flowing. In fact, post-sex is when I do my best writing. So, if you don't have that partner within arms reach when the hormones are running rampant and the urge arises, what do you do about sexual frustration? Those of you who regularly read my blog will know I have an ulterior motive for this particular topic this particular week. I'm looking for answers other than the obvious. Sure, there's porn and masturbation, but I reckon they're ultimately unfulfilling. Casuals are pretty unfulfilling too come to think about it. I decided some time ago to aspire to something much higher, a real, intimate relationship even.

So, here are a couple of suggestions I'm gonna try out this week while I wait for that real, intimate relationship.

I'm gonna exercise myself into a stupor. I'm going to the mountains to climb the biggest hill I can find and climb and climb and climb until I'm so physically and mentally exhausted, I'll collapse into an incoherent, bumbling heap. I figure that way, there'll be no energy left to even contemplate sex.

I'm gonna scrub the shower walls to within an inch of their life. This one's about channelling energy - moving and re-directing it to other areas that can have a productive end result. I'm gonna spray, scrub, rinse, spray, scrub, rinse, spray, scrub and rinse until I collapse again into an incoherent, bumbling heap.

I'm gonna go out and dance my wee toes off. Moving and swaying to music is almost as good as sex. You can let your imagination run wild and no one ever knows the difference. I did it the other night, had a ball and my girlfriend reckons it's better than sex. At that point, I looked her squarely in the eye and go, you gotta be bloody kidding. Yeah, it's great, yeah, it feels good, but it ain't actually quite as good as being thrown up against a wall in a fit of unrestrained passion now is it?

Who the hell am I kidding? Nothing's going to ease the urge quite like sex is. The part of me that's writing this blog is the part that says rise above it, climb, scrub and dance, and wait for the love of your life. Trouble is, the part of me that needs the human touch right now got up in the middle of writing this blog, made me call an old friend and arranged for him to come over at 11.30 am. Here's to unclimbed mountains and unscrubbed, dirty showers - and real, committed, imitate relationships - wherever and wheveva the hell they are! See ya, I gotta go shave my legs. Juji x

Call them partner, call them boy/girlfriend, call them "other half" (but please don't, as it implies you're some sort of half-person/mutant/limited individual), but what defines a boyfriend? Can it be possible to have all the normal elements bar the sex and still have a relationship? Take for instance this dude I've been nuts over for way too long. We've got everything a perfect relationship needs - except the sex and the official title.

What do you make of it?

Pros

- He'll bend over backwards to help me when needed (but not in the bedroom)
- He can tell me he finds me very attractive (but hasn't seen me naked)
- He reckons I'm the most stimulating person he knows and that he loves talking to me (wait till he hears my sex talk)
- He admires and respects me (but doesn't want to have sex with me)
- We go out and have an absolute ball together.
- My friends describe us as two peas in a pod and say it's just so obvious and it's just a matter of time (it's been yonkers)
- He knows me inside out (well, not all of my insides) and reminds me when I'm off track and not heading where I need to head. I do the same for him.
- When we get together, by phone or in person, conversations run for hours and hours until the crack of dawn.
- He's artistic, creative and broadminded - like me.

Cons

- He doesn't want a relationship (WTF!!!!) as his previous ones have been disastrous. What he can't see is that we're already having one, without the sex. He's into sex and no, he's not gay. In the words of stupid, Australian ex-politician, Pauline Hansen who landed herself in jail, Please Explain.

In case you didn't notice, there are heaps more pros than cons. Trouble is, the one, solitary, little lonely con is the powerful beast that pisses the pros off into oblivion.

Should people be so damn nice when they don't want to follow through with the whole package? Can a 'relationship' be so good it doesn't need the sex? (You'll have trouble convincing me of that one!). Does a placebo boyfriend or girlfriend close us off from other opportunities so we end up missing out on the whole kit 'n' kabooble? Questions, Questions. Questions.

With all the weird 'n' wacky relationships going on on our planet, what are the essential ingredients for a relationship?

I asked my 16yo niece for some blog suggestions and the first word that came out of her mouth was vibrators. Goes without saying that if we go on a family hol, I ain't sharin' a room with her. Anyhows, it's an interesting one 'cos, while some of you may think I'm pretty open sexually, truth is I have little experience in this area - a situation I may rectify if you guys can fill in the gaps and tell me what all the vibrator fuss is about. I first lay eyes on one when a boyfriend gave me a box, prettily wrapped with cutout love hearts stuck all over it. I thought jewellery, maybe choccies. I opened the box - and screamed. It was so fat, the thought of placing that veiny, rubber tree trunk in my petite vj too much to take. I'm glad to say it didn't go to waste though. I was soon to discover that my then boyfriend made full us of it by vibrating it up his bum. I screamed again!

While I've come some ways since then, it still doesn't do anything for me. I mean, does it come with a set of strong thrusting hips? Does it have a tight set of buttocks attached? What happens if the batteries run out while you're peaking? Do you then throw it against the wall in frustration and let your fingers finish the job, or fumble around the house naked hunting for spares? Now that's an orgasm killer if ever there was one. Okay, I do admit, it is portable, we don't always have a real flesh-and-blood guy at our disposal, and it's probably more reliable than most men despite the battery scenario, but I remain unconvinced.

I'm curious to know what weird and wonderful things people do with them - the more out there the better. If you haven't got a really good vibrator experience, I don't care. Just make it up. Good sex goes hand in hand with a good imagination. I wanna know if guys (like my ex) use them. If so, how? Do they jiggle their balls with them or what? Do you like using them on a chick? Do chicks like guys using one on them? Can one with a really high vibrate level double as a stick blender on pulse? If so, I may consider it for the kitchen.

As for buying one, I ain't about to share my particular preferences with some sleazy dude at the local sex shop. Nor am I going to order one online and have it delivered to my door. How do you chicks buy them? When it comes to sex, I'm fussy. My partner has to be human. Juji x