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Jennifer

06/19/06

Filed under: Posts — JPatt @ 05:04:15 pm

J Patt is back and better than ever. Or, wait, I'm pretty much the same. I suppose there are a few changes-- my hair has gotten longer and sexier, my tan has faded some, I've lost my voice, and I'm completely fluent in German (what? like it's hard?)

I flew in last night. The whole getting-back to the US part actually took 36 hours, but that's another story-- one involving two very confusing Frankfurts, a smelly ticket clerk, and many Germans wearing socks with their sandals. Oh God, the socks with sandals... more on that story later.

Right, so when I got back I had to buy a pack of my faves (pack of my favorite gum that is-- the turquoise Orbit), and as I did so I overheard the conversation of two American sorority girls. Like me, they had also just returned from Europe. One exclaimed, "Oh look what happened while we were gone!" Then the other gasped, "Jessica Simpson and Jared Letto? Oooh em gee!" Yes, they actually said Oh-em-gee.

Like the two ditzes before me, I also could not wait to catch myself up. As soon as I got home I glued myself to the recorded episodes of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Well, I won't go as far as to say that checking up on news satire is better than squealing over celebrity gossip (why state the obvious?), but I think we can conclude that I'm no American ditz. (Actually, the smelly German ticket clerk might argue otherwise. But who knew there were two separate cities named Frankfurt? Like I said, more on that later.)

Anyway, lucky for you I have kept a pen-and-paper journal of EVERY SINGLE DAY of my Germany + Holland + Belgium + Austria adventure. I plan to recount to you bits of these entries over the next week or so. Of course I will not ramble about the tedious details of boring history museums or anything. What do you take me for? A history major?

Right now I'm already three strong martinis into my night (and it's only 7:15... oh god). My boyfriend and I are exchanging sarcastic insults and laughing at one another, or mostly he's just laughing at me. In fact, he's kinda being an asshole, which is uncharactiristic of him. To add to it all, you'd think that a reunion between boyfriend-girlfriend after nearly a month apart would be one of extreme joy and amazing sex. Oh no, no no. Fuck no.

Sadly my boyfriend's libido is a fraction of my own, so our time together usually consists of me trying to fuck him and him complaining about soreness or lameness or tiredness. You'd think he wasn't attracted to me-- like I'd gained weight in Europe or developed a nasty rash. Well, I will happily announce that neither of the two have occurred. I'm still as great as ever. Me and Bee may have to go buy vibrators to solve this problem.

06/05/06

Filed under: Posts — JPatt @ 05:38:59 pm

Jesus Christ... we arrived in Vienna this morning... and I feel so violated. Maybe it's because I am hanging out at the hostel bar. The people there are real straight-shooters. They basically ask if they can sleep with you. Even when you say no you're still not left alone.
I probably should write something fun since, after all, I am in fucking EUROPE and incredibly lucky... but... the violation that has occurred... I just wanna cry. It's almost as bad as last weekend's Brussel sprouts (which is slang for people from Brussels.)

I am afraid to go to my room because the dude in the bunk above me is the panty-sniffing type.

Then also this guy from Arkansas wont leave me alone. He keeps accosting me at the computer. This is so ridiculous. I'm not even wearing anything slutty.

I have absolutely no idea why I am getting so much attention because the local women here are beeeautiful. I can't stop myself from staring them all down. I feel odd checking out other women, but they honestly look like fantastical godlike creatures. I guess this is my first lesbianish moment. Aren't you proud of me?

Tomorrow we plan on going to the fancy-smancy Vienna opera house. I'm not sure how I feel about operas, but a girl visiting Austria has to have at least a few cultural experiences.

06/02/06

Filed under: Posts — JPatt @ 10:23:38 am

Hello from Brussels, Belgium. I love unplanned excursions to Europe, dont you? They keyboard is weird as hell so typing this is kinda a challenge. Im not sure what the temperature is outside, but its somewhere between uncomfortably chilly and fucking freezing. The art and dining is amazing, as can be imagined. Especially the Van Goh museum. And I think it goes without saying that the pot in Amsterdam was the ganja of gods.

Of course I have been clubbing and drinking heavily. Maybe I should slow down on the booze though. Last night Christie and stumbled down the wrong winding street and were nearly molested by some Italian guys. We took refuge in a karioke bar. A Dutch boy sarenaded me and said I had lovely breasts. I tried to climb onto the stage to sing, but alcohol interferes with my balance and sometimes makes me fall down... so I ended up sprawled out on the dance floor in pain. I have a bruise the shape and size of Germany.

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