Jennifer

Ah, walking down 21st street to class! Birds are chirping, the sun is shining brightly, the aroma of... wait, is that pot? I stop, turn to the 21st street co op, inhale, then nod. Yes, the aroma of pot is in the air. Oh UT, how I love you.

I've armed myself with giant sunglasses and a cell phone-- the perfect way to avoid awkward people I don't want to say hey to. You know what I mean by awkward people, right? Like that girl that partially threw up on you in the SigEp bathroom. (Or maybe you threw up on her. Hmmm...) Or that guy who took you on a horrific date to Metro and rambled about his childhood until you had no choice but to fake a random spell of nauseau and leave. You know, those kinds of people.

Back to the sun shining-- another reason UT is awesome. It's the middle of January, and it's so hot outside that I am sweating and can literally feel my vinyl purse melting onto my forearm. I don't mind though. I'm too excited to be back and enrolled in classes! The learning part is cool and all, but mostly I'm just psyched about using student discounts on everything. Well, I had my student ID and got discounts last fall even though I wasn't technically enrolled... but I mean, now I can get a discount guilt-free! GUILT FREE! Really the only reason I go to college is for the student discounts. Oh, and to meet boys.

Boys. I always try to have at least one crush per class. This poses quite a challenge since I'm a communications major. If you are a communications major it means all the men in your classes are either gay or... um... yeah basically they're just all gay. Okay, okay that's not completely accurate. I guess what I mean is the only men I'd consider dating in any of my classes are gay.

I knew I should've chosen business. How am I ever going to get my MRS by going to comm classes?

Classes. I'm taking lots of them. Italian is my favorite. We went around the room sharing why we chose to take Italian. Most everyone fessed up that they needed a language credit and hated/failed Spanish in high school. I received a fair amount of glares when I explained that I didn't need the class and just thought Italian sounded like a fun elective. Foreign languages are so fun and easy. God, I'm going to kick all of their linguistically-challenged asses.

Then I have some mildly interesting biology class about evolution and ecology for a science credit. I've decided I'm going to seduce befriend the TAs. This way I'll keep up with readings and will be able to ask them questions and get on their good side and stuff. After that I have a comm class about interviewing principles and practices. Super small class taught by a grad student (who, by the way, is really really attractive). This means I will not be missing this class. Ever.

Right, then there is a kooky course on deaf communication. I say kooky because it's in the petroleum engineering building (what the HELL?) and my professor likes to act out what it would be like to walk through molasses in order to explain conductive hearing loss. This class is also attendance mandatory. I need to make friends in it so I can have some future study buddies. If you are in CSD 308K please comment.

Okay, the end of my life's update. Well, I guess I should mention I also got a flat screen tv in my room and a DVD player. If I get a hot plate and a mini fridge my cave will become entirely self-sufficient, and I'll never have to venture into any other rooms in my apartment! Kidding. Kidding. We all know I am not responsible enough to keep a hot plate or any electrical device heating to higher than 100 degrees in my bedroom. I have enough trouble with incense.

Net flix has me watching about a movie a day and no tv. I review all of my movies in a fancy journal with tabs for different genres. So far it turns out that, surprise surprise, I am a huge film snob and hate everything mainstream. Okay maybe I should rephrase that: I prefer indie and foreign films. The ending of Wedding Crashers left quite a bit to be desired.

It seems like Wedding Crashers could've been a decent movie, but it's as if some guy fucked with the script half way through on the grounds that the movie was not predictable, unrealistic, and cheesy enough on its own. Who the hell is this guy anyway? Hunter and I decided that there is probably one guy that writes all the endings for these blockbuster productions because they're so similar in terribleness. I think the guy meddled with The 40 Year Old Virgin too. The movie itself wasn't that bad, but the ending killed me. I'm going to stop now though because I bet all of you plebeians loved it.

I am never cooking again! I made pancakes this morning, and first of all it was just a complete disaster (as most things I make are, except chocolate chip cookies but even those too sometimes) and secondly cleaning up just about killed me. KILLED ME. It took the better part of an hour. I'm not even exaggerating. And wow, do I ever HATE cleaning up. I am trying to work on this. When my bestie Becket and I get married (as we joke) we're going to live in filth (drunken filth) because neither of us pick up after ourselves. But then we will get a maid. Two of them, actually.

Oh you know what my new "wtf?!" thing is? (This is going to start being a segment in my blog-- What the fuck?. Here, let's make it official.)

An all new segment: J Patt Asks 'What the Fuck?'
Okay, people with virtually no eyebrows--- I have to ask wtf?

I mean, really. Yesterday I witnessed a Seven Eleven cashier who had almost tweezed her eyebrows out of existence. Plucking all those hairs out must hurt like childbirth, and it just looks trashy like streaky blonde highlights and giant hoop earrings. I couldn't stop staring at this cashier, then I felt bad because I thought what if maybe she hadn't intentionally created the facial monstrosity? Like, what if her face had caught on fire, and she'd singed them off or something? God then I felt real bad for staring because I remembered the time that my hair caught on fire at KappaSig, which was really traumatizing.

Actually, no it wasn't; I didn't notice it burning until some guy was all, "J Patt your hair is on fire!" Then I started giggling. (God, let's add that to 21 Reasons To Go Home: my hair has just caught fire, and all I can do is giggle.) Back to the eyebrows though, or lack thereof. Why would a girl do this to herself? WHY WHY WHY. No one enjoys tweezing (actually I'm sure someone does but k let's just forget about them because no one likes them anyway becuase they're probalby albino too, ewww albino people!) Right, okay, so we've established that excessive tweezing itself is painful and the aesthetic result negative, so from this we can conclude that anyone with unnaturally thin eyebrows fails to understand basic logic and is just plain dumb. Or blind. Blind people are an exception to every fashion rule. But they do get those cool dogs, you know? One time Sparker saw a seeing-eye miniature horse! It was wearing sneakers and a diaper. I'm not making this up. Crazy things happen in the suburbs.

My friend Penelope got a scary voicemail this afternoon from the guy she's been sexing up recently. He said, "Hey Penelope, I need to tell you something. Call me."

We listened to it again and again, trying to figure out what he could need to tell her. We decided it could be one of two very frightening confessions:
1. He is in love with Penelope.
2. He has an STD.

Penelope couldn't decide which one was worse. Neither could I. I think it depends what STD we're talking about. Actually, I bet he just wanted to tell her he had tickets to a concert tonight or something and wanted to invite her.

I highly doubt he has an STD. He's a Delt (Delta Tau Delta fraternity, or "Dah Tee Dah" as I refer to them), and those boys never get any. But convincing her that she has a venereal disease is just so much fun. I like to watch my friends panic. Now she has her panties in a twist worrying about having an STD. She made me promise I'd go with her to Planned Parenthood to get tested. Planned Parenthood... I've never understood that. Shouldn't it be Preventing Parenthood? It's the same in the supermarket. They keep the condoms on the "Family Planning" aisle. What the hell is with all the planning of family and parenthood? Personally I do not plan on parenting for quite some time. No, I'm certainly not getting mixed up with babies. Or STDs or love. I hear they go hand in hand.

J Patt's Resolutions for 2006:

1. I promise to wait longer after someone has left the room before I start making fun of them.

2. I promise to stop pretending to be talking on my cell phone in order to avoid making eye contact with those scary street vendors on the drag on the way to class.

3. I promise to stop giving creepy guys fake phone numbers, like 867-5309.

4. When angry at boys, I promise to express my anger in ways other than hitting them in the balls.

5. I promise to stop telling people that I can sing a song about the countries of Africa in geographical order, and to most certainly stop actually singing the song.

6. I promise to control my desire to bite non-food things, (such as pen tops, pencils, towels, and my friends) even though anemia is a perfectly acceptable medical reason to need to bite things. (Look it up.)

7. I promise to admit that my cubic zirconium engagement and wedding rings are both fakes and that I am neither engaged nor married.

8. I promise not to scoff at cab drivers' tastes in music and try to remember that everyone is entitled to his or her own preference.

9. I promise to write thank you notes when I receive gifts.

10. I promise to actually get my jeans hemmed instead of pinning them up with safety pins, which is what I’ve been doing since I left for college.

11. I promise to stop referring to people my own age or older as "kids."

12. I promise to quit pretending to be a member of Mensa and just actually join.

13. I promise to stop using big words like 'metaphysically' or 'multiloquent' around dumb, uneducated people just to make them feel more dumb and uneducated.

14. I promise to stop talking about politics in frat houses because, for whatever reason, my liberal idealism never goes over well with that crowd.

15. I promise to stop taking cheap shots at my friend Hunter's roommate just because he is corpulent and remember that he buys us beer.

16. I promise to stop talking about music in frat houses because this doesn't seem to go over well either.

17. I promise to come up with a better way of meeting cute boys besides "accidentally" running into them at parties and spilling things on myself.

18. Actually, I promise to just stop talking in general in frat houses.

19. I promise to remember to take my iron supplements for anemia so I can better achieve resolution #6.

20. I promise to put away DVDs in their correct cases, especially when putting away other people’s DVDs.

21. I promise to stop hiding little pieces of food in my springer spaniel Max's floppy mouth when he is asleep even though I think this is really funny.

22. I promise not to tell people the tricks I use to remember their names, especially when it is not a very nice trick.
(Example: Amanda, yeah I remember your name because you look like a man... duh.)

23. I promise not to put on a movie just so I have an excuse to eat popcorn.

24. I promise to eat things with lots of salt in a place other than my bed because the salt gets all over the sheets and feels like sand.

25. I promise that when walking by store windows or especially clear ponds I won't discreetly try to look at my reflection.

26. I promise to stop approaching old classmates at parties and volunteering to tell them what I thought of them in high school.

27. I promise to attach my phone to my purse or body somehow, especially when I have been drinking.

28. I promise to accept the fact that no amount of flirtation will ever make the Blockbuster guy waive my late fees.