Jennifer

Why My Dog Is The Best (or at least better than yours)

1. We keep him groomed, bathed, and fed (but not overfed). This means he has cute fur, does not smell, and is not a fattie. His breath isn't that bad either.
2. He does not jump, hump, or lick houseguests because we trained him to be polite... unlike YOUR dog.
3. He does not bark excessively like little yappy dogs.
4. When he does bark it is deep, full, and not high-pitched and annoying. He also only barks at suspiciou things such as:
a)strangers wandering in our backyard b)handicapped people, c) newly purchased or epecially life-like stuffed animals.
6. He retrieves the paper every morning. We did not train him to do this; he just started doing it because he is awesome.
7. He points at things sometimes with his little paw, like this:

8. He waits for me to get sleepy and go to my room, then he follows me up the stairs and curls up on the end of my bed.
9. He can't get up on the bed himself because he has a bad back, but he still tries and falls over onto the floor, and, golly, that's just cute.
10. He likes other dogs and does not try to killl them (like HoneyBear did).

Does anyone else have sudden, overpowering urges to lie to cab drivers? Is this just me? I make up a new life story for each one. I recently told one that I flew back to Houston for the day in order to witness the birth of a female Indian elephant at the Houston Zoo. I explained that I was training to become a zoologist, and this birth was pivotal to my education. I told him I became interested in elephants while backpacking through the north of India and into Bhutan after high school..

My cab driver said he was from Ethiopia. I told him I'd passed through there while traveling through Somalia and Eritrea as a child, but unfortunately didn't remember much since I was so young.

He told me about African elephants he'd seen in Ethiopia, and I ranted about how the Egyptians imported the first elephants of of Egypt from Ehtiopia, which then was referred to as 'the land of Punt.' Then I explained some of the differences between the Indian and African elephant because a while ago I watched something on Animal Planet about elephatns and remembered most of it. I'm filthy smart at remembering random facts like that. 'The land of Punt'-- Ehtiopia really was called that, you know. I have no clue where I learned that or why I remember it. I think in sixth grade we learned about Africa or something.

I'm pretty fucking good at it at lying about global travel, partially because I am a nerd/I know my geography like a cartographer. And I did backpack some for real once, just not in Bhutan. Veena will vouch for the backpacking adventure. I wonder why I make up all these stories... sometimes I think it's because I miss the theatre. Now I've transformed my life into a theatre. I'm always performing.

21 Reasons I Know That It Is Time To For Me To Go Home:
by: Jennifer Patterson

1. I have absolutely no idea where my phone is (or I've broken it).

2. I think that it is hot and seductive to dance on a table/stage while singing to "Call on Me," "Murder on the Dancefloor," or the like.

3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe I could do it too. This includes biting.

4. I don't know where I am when I wake up and only realize where I am because of what frat composite is on the wall.

5. I drop my 3 am Kerbey Lane food on the ground and still eat it even though I'm not at all hungry because I already went to Gumby's.

6. I drunk dial my mom, dad, brother or sister, or even better - I drunk dial your mom.

7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to enter a classroom.

8. I am wearing pieces of other people's costumes, including a pair of wings.

9. I am making out on the E bus or am hitting on my cab driver without thinking twice.

10. I decide to pick up an orange construction cone somewhere on 24th street and am now carrying it around as "prop."

11. One or both of my eyes won't stay open.

12. I can't distinguish my car key from my house key, but I think it's a good idea to drive.

13. I yell at the bartender, who I say cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but really I can just no longer taste the vodka.

14. I think I'm in bed and under the covers, but it turns out I'm on the kitchen floor under a beach towel.

15. I start my conversations with a story about something stupid I just did because I am so drunk.

16. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.

17. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.

18. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it, but later burn myself and others with my cigarette butt.

19. I do not realize that I cut myself with a bottle opener and am bleeding badly until someone points it out to me.

20. I get into a bar with no ID because I kissed the bouncer... twice.

21. I get my ATM pin code and apartment gate code confused. I later try to use my ATM card to get into the parking garage.

OHHH MOTHER OF PEARL I just reached to my bedside table for some water and accidentally gulped down some Skol gin. When did I put that there? Oh God. Oh wow. See, this is why I need a maid. (Not so someone would pick up things, but so I would have someone to blame things like this on-- "The maid left a half full glass of gin next to the bedside table! That fucking maid! Fuck!" or "The maid kept hitting snooze this morning and made me late to work!")

Except I wouldn't actually blame her because deep down I'd know that drunk Jennifer was probably to blame for things like this. Drunk Jennifer, that little bitch. Lux likes to refer to her drunk self as a completely different person, like "God damn Drunk Lux! She fell last night and tore a tendon, and now I have to fucking deal with it! That slut!"

We're going to think up new names for our drunk selves, as they are entirely different people. You should do this too.

Campus has iced over, both literally (the weather) and socially (the parties). Finals have kept anyone from wanting to binge drink with me, so I've basically taken to eating sour candy and watching movies all day. I can't wait til my out-of-state boys get back so I can commence my traditional winter break flings. These are the best as they require zero commitment since both people understand that the long distance thingy isn't an option.

Just when I start complaining about my love life...

BAM! BACK IN THE GAME. BACK IN THE FUCKING GAME.

At my friend Bee's last night I met a gorgeous Georgian with a southern drawl and beautiful hair.

I figured seducing him would prove far from easy, as Bee said that he basically doesn't talk to any of her girl besties. Like, ever.

But he fell victim my charm! Hahaha what a sucker.

He loves George W, rap music, and smoking cigarettes. He never has any amusing stories or does anything cute and is pretty much the most boring person ever. This overjoys be because I will never, ever fall for him. And I don't need to be falling for anyone, not now at least.

"I always tell the girls, never take it seriously. If you never take it seriosuly, you never get hurt. You never get hurt, then you always have fun." -Penny Lane Almost Famous