pixiema22's Blog

Guess today is not such a good day, as the last time i came here. Maybe i just feel comfortable here because no one knows me and i feel no back lash for how i feel. No one here to tell me i told you so. I think i got this winter depression thing going on. THe hubby and i have hit a rough patch. A big rough patch. I dont know that we shoulda gotten married at all at this point. We have lost all forms of communication. He is tired of my bitching and i can't blame him but i feel like he doesnt take me seriously. He told me he wanted to join the military and to his suprise i was completely supportive. The reason i was supportive is because i think we need time apart. I dont want to tell him that though and is it right of me to support him through this for the wrong reasons. Of course he might be joining the military to get away from me. It would hurt me if he told me that, which is why i choose to keep this to myself. I feel like i am lying to him and i'm not sure that i am. So maybe i should just come out with my real reasons of supporting him before he goes and gets himself killed. I love him but i think that we did not realize just how hard this was going to be. I really believe now that i shoulda waited to get married. A lot of our problem is that we never have any alone time. Our little one is turning sixteen months old in a week and we have had a roomate since we moved into our new place. Undoubtedly that puts a huge strain on us. And when we do get alone time it's like we already know eachothers secrets and what mystery there ever was before is not there anymore. It makes things tough, because we have nothing to talk about. We are twenty two and twenty three years old and we have all but quit bieng intimate.
It is so sad. I miss him. It's so hard feeling like your best friend isnt there for you anymore. And i'm trying to not let it get to me but i can't help it. I want him to have his space but nothing he does in his life includes anything with me. I want him back but i've got so much energy in so many other places that i dont feel like fighting him anymore. I'm tired.
I guess i wouldnt feel this way if i didnt love him. Hopefully whatever life lesson we are supposed to be learning right now, is bieng learned because i'm not sure i'm going to keep holding on. WHen i slip i make big boo boos so god help us all.

Ok so tonite is not a good nite. My tator tot is asleep on the couch because i refuse to sleep in the same bed with hubby, whos birthday was today. Maybe i wont sleep with him tonite because he smells like vomit, maybe it's because im severely pissed that he was drinking and driving tonite and the last time he did that it was supposed to be the last. The last time i was going to put up with it and the last time he was going to do it. Maybe i wont sleep with him because i waited two hours longer than i shouldve to feed my son because we were supposed to be at a special birthday dinner for the son of a bitch.(my hubby not my son)
Maybe the truth is that im pissed because i'm stuck living in this piss ass trailor with horrible wall board and ugly blue carpet and it's one of the best places i've ever gotten to live in. People actually put their self worth into what they live in. It disgusts me. I want to be different. I'm scared that this is it to my story, that for the rest of my life i will be struggling to pay the bills. I'm angry because i have no outs. I will always have this weight on my shoulders. I will always have someone to take care of or to answer to. What is even more pathetic is that i got myself here. I didnt realize what i wanted until I had everything i didnt want. I am not sad about it, i am pissed at myself.
On a good day i would normally love everything about my life.
I dont get it i am twenty two years old and i dont drive because i'm terrified to get behind the wheel. Why cant i be as normal as normal can be. Why dont i have one of those forgiving qualities that people tend to love and why cant i find the motivation to change. I dont have to be here. I'm so afraid of failing agian that i dont even want to try. I'm not boo hooing myself i just wish i could figure this shit out for once. All my life i have gotten into these situations that just make it impossible for me to be where i need to be. I have done every drug, got sober and then as soon as i clean my act up, i meet the love of my life and have a child.
Poor child, i dont want him to have this life. I never want him to be ashamed of who he is. I never want him to be embarressed of his life or where he has come from. Maybe if i could learn to hold my head up high he could follow my lead but in a way i dont want to because i never want him to just settle. I did that and it's like making a deal with the fucking devil. I want him to have some clear conscience of who he is. My family never instilled that in me. TO be honest i am a flake. How do i help him find who he is if i dont even know who i am. When is my moment of clarity coming? Hopefully not before it's too late.
I get so angry at myself and i just dont know. I dont know how to get out of this rut. Why does the grass always have to be greener on the other side. Stupid cliches, they are always true.
Tomorrow i think i might start painting the wallboard and pulling up the carpet. See ya later, Pix

Last nite after i spent my time doing this until 2:30 in the morning, i finally decided to sleep. The wierdest thing happened, i was having this dream and the dream itself kept getting louder and louder and louder. It was crazy and then all of this sudden i woke up out of my sleep, screaming at the top of my lungs. I awoke my husband screaming about the rain. I soon realized that the rain was just pouring down and i guess it just scared the hell out of me.
today i woke up and the rain was gone but the wind is whipping furiously. I hate the winter. I guess at least it's not snowing.
My husband bought a polish gun today. Tommorow is his birthday and i wanted him to have something he would actually like. I do not agree with guns in the house when you have children but as long as tator tot never knows we have it then i guess it won't be a big deal. If he doesnt know we have it until he's at an appropriate age to know then i think we will be ok. Gun safety is especially important. I'm kinda excited to learn how to shoot. (I will feel safer knowing how to use one as long as we are going to have it in the house) I think i may make him take it to his mom or dads house and skip the whole learning how to shoot introduction. It is a scary thing for me i suppose.
My son woke up with the worst attitude today. All his molars are coming in at one time so i guess i would be pretty pissy to. Well i got to finish this later, tator tot calls. Sincerely, Pix

Well this is the first time i've done this. It's kinda like losing my virginity all over again, without the nasty boy or the horrible hangover the next morning. Wow too much information. I just feel like i need an outlet these days, ive become this person i do not recognize. I want to exist in this world and i am not sure how to do it. I feel like the world has swallowed me up and i do not know how to get out. I guess bieng a young mother will do that to you. I do not want to complain about my situation because that is not me anymore. I want to be someone who does something about the circumstances instead of letting them become me. For those of you who choose to read this it probably will not be provacative or sexy in any way so for those who are looking for that just stop reading it now.
Like i said i am just looking for a way to exist in this world. It's not that i feel undervalued or anything like that. I just feel like i lost my way a long time ago, i lost my motivation to move forward in the world and i am looking to get it back. I think the world drove me lazy. I saw all these people struggling, i watched several family members die and i saw the direction i was heading in taking me no where and i gave up. Now i am finally dealing with my grief and i am trying to learn who i am agian. I am coming to terms with what i once was and what i have become. I blend in with all the statistics. I am a young white female, just trying to make my marriage work and trying to raise my young son with some kind of moral fiber. My morals dissappeared for a long time.
I often find myself looking at someone saying i would never do that, judging them in the most critical of ways and then i slap myself, because i did those things and i have no right to judge. I swore i would never become a hypocrite and i am. So where do you go where you know you need to go, if you dont even like yourself enough to just move on?
I'm sorry if i am boring anyone but no one said you had to be here. I wish someone could just look at me and tell me that i am going in the right direction. I just dont know what to do. I've been so lazy for so long and so unmotivated that i've lost that desire to keep moving forward. Until now that is. It's hard to look in the mirror and face what i've been so desperately trying to not notice for a long time. Thank god i have the one friend in my life who has known me long enough to tell me to just fucking do something about it.
She is my Shannon. Everyone should have a shannon in there lives. Just don't let her fall in love with your dad because then she will want to talk about rubbing herself all over him and asking if you think he is sexy and it's just not ok. Well i guess it's ok because she is my best friend and it's comical but god who wants to think about their dad and best friend together.(My dad has openly admitted how hot he thinks she is also)
Anyways I dont really think this went anywhere tonite so feel free to hate this. Hopefully this proves to be more than some silly quest on my behalf. And if it is what the hell. Tator tot and the hubby are silently sleeping on the couch while i am awake which means tator tot will be up early in the morning. I must continue later. Wow not as numb as I was the first time i lost my virginity either. Ok i promise not to mention that again. Sincerely, Pix