I want people to learn from my mistakes and grow... Have you ever heard the Rascal Flats song "I'm Moving On"? I love that song and I've played it over and over. If you've never heard it then you really need to. I finally have put all behind me and I'm moving on. The good, the bad, and the ugly. If you're looking for advise you've come to the wrong blog....but if you're looking for someone to listen without judgement then you've come to the right one. I just came back from Florida where I had to go to my sister to help her plan a funeral for her baby girl Bridget. She was 31 years old and a victim of domestic violence. Having been a victim, I did survive unlike so many others. We are the faceless victims that everyone discards because society says, "They deserve what they get". I say NO! I know the future is foggy and the past of, "You weren't nothing til I met you!" still rings in your ears and you're stomach hurts (acid reflux), you shake all the time and you never smile and you forgot how to. The feelings of (I'm worthless) and you're fighting with GOD right now because he won't take your last breath from you. Your heart is cold and unfeeling because your taking all this because WHY? This man I talk of beat me and when he felt the same fear I lived with for 15 years he stopped and then it was all about the verbal and I said to myself, He's right your nothing. Your family hates you, your kids don't love you. Noboby would know if you died, because nobody cares. You think, yeah he's right. I never smiled and I looked down to my feet all the time. I'd go on job interviews and have to take one of my sons with me. Especially if a man was doing the interview. I learned to look down and never embrace the world because I was so timid and tired of being beaten down. He would interigate my son, Did mommy look at the pretty man? Then it was on. I walked away from that relationship with a cost of "Priceless". I lost my heart.... 2 of 4 of my sons and they really never kept much in contact and they moved like 3 times and then out of state and never letting me know anything. I would stay up at night worrying about them and being so sick to my stomach I couldn't breathe. The good thing, My children are with me now....All grown up. My oldest 26, 22, 21, and 19. I am a MIMI the best thing in the world according to my 7 year old Granddaughter. That man called me everyday at work and at home every 5 minutes and had me so scared... telling me how I was gonna die that I couldn't sleep at night. I would start my car and leave it running for 30 minutes and figured if it didn't blow up in 30 minutes I was good to go to work. Then one day (3 months later) I had too much I couldn't concentrate and I told him I was gonna kill myself because I cannot live another day like this. He had a police officer follow me home. I got out of my car and went inside and the doorbell rang it was a female officer ready to take me into custody and put me into a mental facility for suicide watch and while I was pleading to her to not do this the phone rang and I answered it and it was him on the phone still telling me he was gonna kill me and how I was gonna die so about 1/2 way through I just handed the phone to the police officer and she heard what he was doing and when he was done she told him if he ever so much as looked in my direction she was going have him put under the jail and he will never be thought of again. Before she left we hugged and we cried togather and she gave me such comfort because she cared and she heard what he still to this day says never happened. I met another man but not just a man, he really was GOD sent. He introduced me to someone who loves me unconditionally and I never heard it before. He kept on and on and I would tell him in all the foul language I could think of to stop. He persisted and persisted and he even proposed marriage and I accepted. The day before we married he told me that GOD told him to not marry me because of my denile and disbelief. He sat me down told me to shut up and just listen. It went like this.......Someone loves you and HE wants you to know you were always loved, he loved you when you were getting beat down, he loved you when you fought with him to take your last breath, he loved you all the way through the pain to the beautiful woman you are now. He sent me to you otherwise I would have never found you. Scarey about all this, this man didn't know anything about all that. So in my head, who told him, I never told anyone. But GOD told him. I learned about Jesus that day and I am so glad..when I go through depression (sometimes still do) and somedays can't get out of bed I know I just lay in bed and talk to him all the time and I refuse to say AMEN at the end because I told HIM I don't want him to go away. So I finish my prayer with IN JESUS NAME and tell him to not go away because I need him. My husband the best in the world, going through the funeral and watching my sister fall apart I realized how bottled up inside I was and GOD let me see it. I went to my sons and told them, "They complete my world simply because they were in it". I seen a difference in my sons that day and I know they realize the same as I do that the years are flying by and no one is getting younger and the world is cold and heartless. I bonded with my sister that day for the first time and I pray I never have to bury a child. I thought alot about that while we sat in the funeral home and my sister insisted pictures of Bridget were there and big photo albums that were Bridget's. We looked through the albums and reality hit me, these are the faces whose life stopped one Wednesday, November 9th at 3:19 am with one gunshot when Bridget died. This could have been me and no doubt would have been if I didn't walk away. In eight years I've talked to my ex about 10 words, I have nothing to say and gladly we live in different states. I can be an encourager to what you are going through just like my now husband is to me everyday. He listens without judgement and encourages me to go beyond my boundries and embrace others in need. He has taught me to live an open Christian life and realize that everything in this world will pass away but the impact you make today in someone's life will remain forever.
