Straight Up

04/02/06

He Said She Has Raunchy Breath

Filed under: Life — Hawkwind @ 05:08:31 pm

Hello fellow friendsationerers or uhh friendsationogonians or friends. Friends is fine. Let's go with that. You may have noticed that we have some new blogs up. I'm happy to introduce our east coast correspondent Andrew Parks who is handling the music section from the wonderful borough known as Brooklyn. Andrew is a wealth of knowledge so check his blog often for the latest in all things pertaining to sound.

Also on the other end of the spectrum we bring you Haylie Cook, focusing on the astrology. Feel free to send in your questions or comments for her and she'll tell you what you need to know. I think she has one of those balls or something. And now for this week's questions!

Q: I just started dating this girl. Anyway I met her downtown the other day and I couldn't even get close to her because her breath was so bad. I just kind of let it go but then a few days later it was just as bad only a totally different smell! Should I tell her? It's really bad.

Jed said: If you like her you're gonna have to tell her. It's not really as painful as it sounds and she'll probably be thankful you said something. I'm sure others have noticed as well. One way to do it is to say "Hey as a friend and someone who really likes you I have to let you know that sometimes your breath smells like you just ate a pile of baby shit." Or maybe get one of her friends to tell her. Sometimes I'm not so good with the sensitivity. If you don't like her, just dump 'ol garbage mouth and move onto the next girl who'll probably have B.O. Nothing's really good enough for you is it? Is it Dad? Wait sorry, not sure what just happened there.

Ya know what I hate is when a girl has like a mustache. Not a Burt Reynolds but those little black hairs on the corners of their mouths. Why ladies? Why? You can see it right? Look in the mirror tonight. If there's something there you can borrow my razor. But please only use it on your face. That's a whole nother column.

Lindsey says: Jed come on. I have not seen one woman who doesn't have some bit of what you call a "mustache" on the side of her lips. Just so you know, when you get those hairs waxed, they grow back even thicker and darker than what they had been before. Women can't just shave them like you do. Belive me, it's not worth it. The first girl who you get to do this, you will know exactly what I am talking about. You will dump her. Because she will then look like a real man. Oh wait, I see what you are getting at............ohhhhhh, I get it. Okay, as for the bad breath, and all the maintenance problems we are having with each other nowadays. Man. Okay. Chill out. CHILL THE FUCK OUT. You aren't perfect. So, stop trying to act like your partner needs to be. This might sound gross, but I actually like the smell of b.o. Not raging basketball b.o, but some type of smell letting me know that a guy is human is nice. As for the breath, well I admit, that is bad. I always make my boyfriend brush his teeth before we make out when he has bad breath. Otherwise, I might puke. Then he will get mad. So, its just a common courtesy.

Again, my interest theory takes place. If you like B.O, find someone who has B.X. If you like bad breath, find someone who likes and has bad breath. Maybe you two will create a new type of chemical or something. Blah blah blah. And women, If your boyfriend asks you to do something outrageous such as shaving your mustache, tell him you will do it as soon as he gets all of his pubes waxed off. It's a fair trade.

Topic of the Week: What is the grossest personal hygiene problem you have encountered on a date?

14 comments

Comments

I'm with Linz on the bit of BO. Not a gut wrenching stench, but just a little nuance of warm, lived in male flesh - can be a bit of a turn on. As for more unpleasant matters, I was once seeing a guy who had some sort of decayed tooth going on. It made a metallic taste in his mouth - Blahhhhhhh, we'd end up having sex with no kissing! Another guy, about half an hour before we were going out, sent me a text saying, "I'll be a bit late. I've lost soemthing....My tooth". Needless to say, potential dates and lovers need teeth - non-decayed ones preferably.
Comment by Juji [Member] — 04/03/06 @ 17:43
okay, this is kind of weird, but I was out with this one guy who's nose just seemed a bit odd. Like, it seemed like it was pushed out from the inside....you would have to see it to know what I was talking about, but it wasnt till later when he leaned his head back and I saw some large piece of metal in his nostril. It was about the diameter of a pencil and was a bright shiny silver color. I have no idea what it was. I dont want to know. I was more frightened than grossed out I guess.
Comment by Linzalicious [Member] — 04/03/06 @ 18:08
Was he a Dr.? Dr. Doom perhaps?

I've never heard of this meta in the nose thing. was it jewelry or did it look medical? Maybe he has a deviated septum from too much cocaine. just a though.
Comment by Hawkwind [Member] — 04/04/06 @ 10:19
only you would know about the drug induced deviated septum Jed. I think the piece of metal was a computer chip. I forgot to mention, this guy was a robot. I guess that defeats the whole point of my story.
Comment by Linzalicious [Member] — 04/04/06 @ 15:01
no actually I think a deviated septum from cocaine use is common knowledge.
Comment by Hawkwind [Member] — 04/04/06 @ 16:30
Sorry to burst your bubble, but its not a deviated septum that is caused by cocaine, its a septal perforation.
Comment by Linzalicious [Member] — 04/04/06 @ 19:27
Never heard of a deviated septum or a septal perforation. Did you have a metal dick Linz?
Comment by Juji [Member] — 04/05/06 @ 16:35
Sooooooo Sorry Linz. Not YOU. HIM. Pronoun dyslexia.
Comment by Juji [Member] — 04/06/06 @ 03:19
yea right Juji, I know you want to picture me with a metal penis. dont deny it.
Comment by Linzalicious [Member] — 04/06/06 @ 12:37
A metal dick would certainly classify as a personal hygiene problem given rust, Eouw
Comment by Juji [Member] — 04/07/06 @ 00:01
girls are perverted.
Comment by Hawkwind [Member] — 04/07/06 @ 10:05
Here is me and my dictionary addiction:

5 entries found for pervert.

perÂ·vert P Pronunciation Key (pr-vÃ»rt)
tr.v. perÂ·vertÂ·ed, perÂ·vertÂ·ing, perÂ·verts
1. To cause to turn away from what is right, proper, or good; corrupt.
2. To bring to a bad or worse condition; debase.
3. To put to a wrong or improper use; misuse. See Synonyms at corrupt.
4. To interpret incorrectly; misconstrue or distort: an analysis that perverts the meaning of the poem.

n. (pÃ»rvÃ»rt)
5. One who practices sexual perversion.

Comment by CatsandDogs [Member] — 04/07/06 @ 14:27
Jed, not sure why you're complaining. Don't you like girls who practise 5
Comment by Juji [Member] — 04/07/06 @ 15:13
I agree with everybody else: awesome story.! Much food for thought... It really made my day. Thank you.
Comment by skilzzz133 [Visitor] — 04/06/08 @ 12:28

04/02/06

He Said She Has Raunchy Breath

Comments

Leave a comment