alex2468's Blog

we have all come across this at least once before. there you are peacefully driving at an average or above average speed heading to some cool destination when all of a sudden you get stuck behind this boat of a car going at least 20 miles below the speed limit. you look at the driver wondering who in their right mind could be so out of touch with the reality around them only to find a white patch of fur sticking above the seat.

my wife and i were driving back from a restaurant (if you can call taco bell a restaurant) when we came across such an abortion to driving regulations and overall common sense. seemingly out of nowhere we land right behind a white haired raisin driving this long light blue cadillac doing 30 on a 55 street. after the usual moment of indignation we started wondering what drives a person to start driving like a bucket of idiot after a certain age. they were young once, they must have at least driven to the legal speed limit at one point in their lives, so whats the deal? its like on their 55th birthday these people receive a package in the mail with:

gross candy.
brown socks.
a pamphlet on how to annoy the hell out of your relatives.
cheap dentures that are visibly not real.
striped shirts.
stamped dresses.
one small yapping dog or 3 very spoiled cats.
a termite which you insert into your ear that crawls into your brain and proceeds to eat away the parts that handle common sense, driving skills, open mindedness and a proper sleeping and eating schedule.
a bottle of closet/pharmacy morning mist air freshener.

so we continue to wonder just how and why people start shaving 3 miles an hour off their average after they hit 55 when all of a sudden a bright, warm light shone atop my head and enlightened me with the revelation that stripped the mystery from this:

old people drive slowly in hopes to die in a car crash.

think about it. as you start getting old the fact that death is just around the corner finishing its cigarette becomes a lot more evident. what also becomes evident is the fact that you are a lot more likely to die of natural causes increasing the chances of you suffering before death, heart attack, cancer, falling on the tub becoming completely incapacitated and eventually starving to death only to be found by the authorities 3 weeks later after the neighbors call 911 complaining about the "weird smell coming from the annoying neighbors house."

so, hoping to avoid suffering old people take to the streets driving very slowly, spending more time on the road, trying to increase the chances of one of those "damn teenagers with their music" ramming their honda civic right into the driver's seat ending the anticipation and providing them a quick and painless death. i suspect this is also why they drive long, big cars, to increase the chances of being tagged.

so there, mystery solved.

post your comments if you like.